Love never came my way because I wasn't the most prettiest or the most popular. My chance came when I was a 15 year old schoolgirl, and thats when I first met Adam*. He was my first serious relationship. We dated for 2 and a half years. He was my first love, and I was his first girlfriend.
During our relationship, we were very much in the honeymoon period. It was my first time falling in love and I lost my virginity to him. Although, I made him wait 9 months into the relationship before committing myself to him. He obliged and waited with me. We both lost it at 16. I made sure I was legal. I always had this thought that I wasn't going to have sex until university, but you never know what may come your way and change your course.
Towards the end of our relationship, we were both 18. He had changed. He started to listen to unusual music. Pierced his once-beautiful face with metal, even without my approval. He became the person I didn't fall in love with. He was rebelling. Rebelling from the 'norm'. He had a good boy image, you see: A-Grade student, wanted to study engineering and his parents were very supportive of him and loved him a dear amount. But it didn't stay.
Judgement day came when I received a text two days before Christmas in 2010, when I woke up at 8.15am, naturally, which was the strange part, but something was telling me to wake up. He sent me a text telling me to get a sense of humour, attached with a paragraph of lyrics from an emo song. I've got to admit, I was puzzled and full of anger.
However, I didn't tell my parents. They gradually found him odd. But my Christmas was clouded with unhappiness.
I met him 3 days after Christmas, with a £60 gilet, hoping to reconcile with him and salvage the rest of my relationship. But when I met him, we both knew it was over. I couldn't look at him. I was disgusted by his new behaviour. I was my mother's daughter. I should've just got up and left him, but I was deluded. He broke my heart. It took four hours for us to confirm it was too late to go back. Before I left, I gave him his Christmas present. In return, I received nothing. I realised that he didn't want to be with me anymore. I was just a convenience.
My mother wanted me to put the heartbreaking text on Facebook, but I said no. I didn't want to inflict that on him. I'm not that kind of person.
As the months went by, my heart was numb from all the ache I had endured. I felt no emotion. No pain. My impression of love had changed. I became very cynical.
Two months after we broke up, even though I would never get back together with him. My world crumbled. I visited my old friends in Sixth Form since I moved colleges to be on a course I wanted, and found out that Adam had found a new girlfriend. I was happy for him. He deserved happiness, afterall, we're young. But for the first time in a while, I felt pain in my chest. I smiled through the news. But that night, my mother entered my room to check on me and she heard me speaking in my dream: "I'm heartbroken, mum.". She wasn't shocked. So she had the chocolate ready.
I was and am always polite to my ex-boyfriend. I don't blame him at all. We were very young when we dated, and like my current boyfriend says,
"You're very different people when you're 15 and now."
And he's right. Perhaps, my love with Adam had an expiry date, since we were growing up into our own person.
Since coming back from university for the Christmas holidays, I have seen my ex-boyfriend. He's a very different person. Grown up. He has a glow. University has influenced him in a good way. We were both polite like usual, talking about the amount of work that we suffer. He studies Japanese. I say good on him. It's something he's wanted to do. I remember his massive Japanese dictionary in his bedroom. I'm surprised the table was still standing.
I will always consider him as a friend. Never more. Never less. But I will never get the friendship I had with him back. While everyone else is close to him, I will stand my distance and smile from afar.
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