Should I have stayed single for longer? Yes.
Do I regret having the relationship? Maybe. I don't like regretting things because some things happen for a reason and you learn a lot from an event, but the way it began wasn't how I imagined it.
It all started in my first year of Exeter College. I chose to study Sociology, Media Studies, Journalism and English Language. In my English Language class, I met Karen*, a lovely girl a year younger than me who I bonded with and became close with. At the time, she was dating a young chap, Kevin* who too went to the same college. I asked how she bagged him. She went, "Easy. I stalked him."
At first, I was shocked. But it turns out that he liked being followed in Exeter. By an attractive girl, of course.
Their relationship terminated when Steven* came onto the scene. Karen's and Steven's friendship was nothing more than mutual. Well thats what I thought. I found out that they developed feelings for each other. Karen's and Kevin's 9 month romance was over. Kevin was devasted. But he coped. He found new love eventually in the end.
It was now the first chapter of Karen and Steven. They dated two days after she broke up with Kevin. Perhaps they didn't want to waste anymore time without each other than they already did. Perhaps, that was my mistake.
They dated. People hated. That's how it went. I was the mutual friend of them. Witnessed their relationship through thick and thin. They even asked me for advice about their sex life. I think it was a bit too close for comfort. I felt like the 3rd wheel at times. Their love was doomed from the beginning. I didn't know how it was going to end. But I was part of it.
During their relationship, Steven would tell me stories of how he and Karen would make love, and then out of the blue, ask him if I had a nicer body than hers. Why, why, why? At first, I thought her insecurities must be going over board but as I thought about it, he must have taken an interest in me and spoke about me in front of his previous girlfriend. I was flattered but it was wrong. Both naked, talking about me. AAAH!
Anyways, it all ended for them. After 5 and a half months together. He decided to call it quits. I felt relief. It became too much. So much effort to keep it all together. She was insecure and he was very needy and desperate. It just didn't work.
Then it all happened on Kate and Will's wedding day. That night, even. I had been invited out for drinks by Steven and I thought why not. I met him and he took me to the park. Thats where we had our first kiss. I felt happy. Happy that I was getting attention. Happy to know what a kiss feels like again. But at the same time, I was so worried about what Karen would think. She by this time bagged herself a new chappy but was still angry about the break-up from Steven, and I was kissing her ex-boyfriend! But we both had developed feelings for each other. I wanted to remain single a tad more. I was enjoying the freedom and felt it was too soon, but he wanted to be with me.
Of course she found out, we made our relationship public and it was never the same again. I lost a friend, who I connected with well. During our relationship (1 and 1/2 years), he admitted that he left Karen for me. I was surprised and felt sorry for her. I wouldn't like to be left for another women. I can imagine it's heartbreaking and humiliating.
Two weeks into our relationship, I felt something in my heart that wasn't right. I kept on getting doubts early on. Whether or not that was normal, but I liked him enough so I decided to see how it went. He lived with me for a month while he and his family moved house. I thought it was very hospitable for my mother to suggest that idea. I thought "Great!"
However, within 2 weeks of him living with me. I had enough. I wanted him out. My space. My home. I couldn't stand him for some reason and my mother had always used that against me to warn me and I should've listen to her. My mother spends 24/7 everyday with my father, without any massive complaints. They enjoy their time together, whether they bicker or laugh. Yes, she does get annoyed at him, but she wouldn't have it any other way or kick him out of the house. I sent my boyfriend at the time to his fathers.
After 2 days, I missed him. And he missed me. We started our 2nd year of college and it went okay. He knew I was going to university after A-Levels and thats when he began to act funny. He would try to plan holidays, days out, I thought it was a kind gesture but I never had the time - studying and working every night was stressful. I was determined to get into university. So I would politely say 'No'. Then he would turn sad. Depressed. It would bring down my mood. He was whiny. Needy. Dependent on me.
I remember I went to Newquay with four other girls from college and I called up Steven to see how he was. Second day into my holiday and I was crying. He spoke of how he couldn't cope that I was far away from him and having fun. I thought he was going to break up with me. He said he didn't know what to do. But we patched things up eventually. Although, I don't think I would have forgiven him if he ruined my girls holiday.
During Newquay, I found out I got into my chosen university and was estatic. As soon as I got home, I started packing for my new life ahead of me. Steven was supportive as always. However, he didn't like the idea of not seeing me and afraid of my new life.
I arrived at my accommodation, the first four nights I would skype Steven, see how he was and let him see how my uni life was so far. He would be happy to see me at first but then his mood would change instantly. Depressed each time I skyped him. It brought my mood down and he made me unhappy in uni. Then on the 5th night, I had had enough.
Our conversation started off as normal and then he brought up a photo of me taken in a club. Out came his jealousy and depressive side. I got fed up of his behaviour. I called it quits. It took hours but I did it. And it was the best thing I had ever done. I was free. His desperate personality appeared after we finished things and I realised he hadn't changed one bit. I used to listen to him moan every day and night about his job, his boss, his home life, his career. My ears ached. I don't think they have fully recovered.
He sent me a letter afterwards. He listed a few demands if I were to be friends with him. Write back. Listen to him. Explained to me what a 'cog' is - I'm not stupid. He also had the cheek to ask if I liked any guys in uni.
(Yes, yes I do)
Asking all these questions. I didn't want to answer them. I realised that if I became friends with him again, his behaviour wouldn't change. He would treat me the same, just as a friend instead. So I decided we shouldn't be friends. It was too delicate.
We don't talk now. Things happened. Mothers got involved, etc etc. I wished we remained friends, like I do with Adam, but its too difficult.
As an overview, I now noticed that Steven's life was at a halt, while mine was progressing. I understand why he was feeling these emotions. I felt like it once but I was determined for university and I aimed high. He depended on me very much and it was a lot of weight on my shoulders that I couldn't carry anymore.
He was a good boyfriend, but he wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for him. It wasn't meant to be.
I now focus on the next three years of my life at university, my family, my friends and my beau. I received backlash for being with my current boyfriend so soon, but the thing is - I fell in love. That's fact.
I believe that things happen for a reason and I wouldn't change it because these elements are important in making me now.
I'm enjoying the present and look forward to the future.
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