I travel on trains frequently and when a situation occurs, my mind goes into overload and think things that you wouldn't say in public. Funny things, obviously.
WARNING: May contain swearing, judging, hunger, impatience, lots of exclamation marks and capitalisation.
Enjoy.
#1 WHEN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE MAN OVER THE TANNOY
Man: Welcome aboard the South West train service to London Waterloo. There has been a slight delay due to a gidnfbhjvdnsasdkjfnadjfbnvajsdfbnvjdafnb.
Mind: Eh? What did he say? WHAT'S DA DELAY?
Man: ...Thank you for your patience.
Mind: OI GET BACK HERE! I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID!
Mind: GURL, this better not make me miss breakfast hour at McDonalds.
#2 WHEN A SMELLY PERSON SITS NEXT TO YOU
Man: Can I sit here please?
Mind: NOPE.
Mouth: Of course.
Mind: Dammit, why are we British too polite?!
Mind: Oh god, he stinks.
Mind: Is my perfume on me? (Rummages through bag, item not found)... NOOOOO!
Mind: Oh my god, am I gonna die? Is this how I die? Suffocation of bad odour?
Mind: The windows aren't open. I'm gonna kill somebody.
Mind: Hold. Your. Breath.
Mind: Why don't they provide oxygen masks on trains like they do on planes? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!
Mind: Is he moving?
Mind: OMG it's his stop!
Mind: But he's left his smell behind.
Mind: NOOOOOO!
#3 WHEN SOMEONE SITS NEXT TO YOU AND FALLS ASLEEP TRAPPING YOU IN
Mind: Aww aren't they cute sleeping?
Mind: Wait, they're sleeping?
Mind: No, no, no don't fall asleep!
Mind: Are they asleep?
Mind: Knew I should've sat on the outside.
Mind: Shall I tap them? Is it rude to wake them up?
Mind: OMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXT
Mind: Well, that's final then. I'm off to Scotland.
#4 CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS AFTER SHOPPING AND TRYING TO FIND A SEAT
Mind: Wow, it's busy today.
Mind: Oh god there's so many people.
Mind: Right, easy does it Isobel.
Victim #1: Ow!
Mouth: SORRY!
Mind: Oh god I just hit an old granny! I hope that didn't hurt too much.
(LIFTS BAGS HIGHER)
Victim #2: Oh Jesus! (Moves out of the way)
Mind: Eeek eek sorry, sorry, sorry! Why did I decide to go shopping today?!
(A FOOD TROLLEY COMES ALONG)
Mind: What the fuck, well bitch I ain't moving.
(A FEW SECONDS LATER)
Mind: Ok, I'll move.
#5 NO SEATS/ROOM ON TRAIN SO RESORTED TO STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOILET
Mind: Jeez, I hope no one needs the toilet, they can hold it in right?
Mind: Nope, someone's going in, someone must hate me right now.
(STANDS OUT OF THE WAY, PERSON GOES IN)
(10 MINUTES PASS)
Mind: They've been in there for a while. They better not be doing a shit.
(HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH)
Mind: Oh god hold your breath.
(PERSON COMES OUT LOOKING EMBARRASSED AND WADDLES AWAY)
Mind: They didn't close the door!
Mind: Oh god, I held my breath too early I NEED TO BREATHE
(I LET GO AND STARTING BREATHING)
Mind: OH MY FUCKING GOD IT STINKS! And I can't move on this sardine train!
(SHUTS THE TOILET DOOR, A FEW SECONDS LATER ANOTHER PERSON WALKS IN)
Mind: Yup, someone is really hating on me right now.
#6 WHEN PASSENGERS STARE AT YOU
Mind: Eh? Is that person looking at me?
Mind: Oh dear lord they're looking.
Mind: Do I have something on my face? (Looks at phone quickly) Nope nothing.
Mind: Maybe it's something next to me? (Looks out the window) Nope, just trees.
Mind: Oh dear they're still looking.
Mind: So rude to stare...they can't be British
Mind: Do I stare back? Is this some sort of war going on that I'm not aware of?
Mind: This is a serious case of being a weirdo.
Mind: Fuck it, let's glare back.
Mind: Nope, they haven't budged.
Mind: Maaaaaan, I must be fine looking today (Looks at phone again) Nope that's not it.
Mind: Ok they're still staring. Right that's it. I'm going to say something.
(TRAIN STOPS AND PERSON GETS OFF AT DESTINATION)
Mind: Ok, maybe not.
#7 OVERHEARING A GIRL FLIRTING WITH A BOY
Mind: Mate, this is cringey.
Mind: What is she wearing?
Mind: She's only 16? Don't think she should be wearing a skirt that short.
Mind: Bloke seems alright, reciprocating back to her.
Mind: Oh my god, was that her laugh? Was that her flirty laugh?
Mind: Oh my god, was I like this at 16?
Mind: Jeez, I hope not.
Mind: Oh hang on wait...yeah I think I was.
Mind: Wow, that's embarrassing looking back.
Mind: You what mate? You're into weird shit? Should you be telling a guy this? Should I be listening to this anymore?
Mind: Fuck it, I've got another 10 minutes on this train.
#8 DISLIKE OF USING TRAIN TOILETS
Mind: Oh dear, I really need the toilet...
Mind: Dammit body, why do you want to do a number two at this very moment?! WHY NOT AT HOME?
Mind: Breathe, breathe. It's alright, only an hour on the train.
Mind: But can I really hold it in that long?
Mind: This. Is. Uncomfortable.
Mind: Shall I go to the toilets on the train?
Mind: Hmm, I could go...
Mind: Oh god, what if the train leaves without me?
Mind: Nope. Not going.
#9 WHEN OVERHEARING A TEENS CONVERSATION
Mind: Oh? What are they talking about?
Mind: Fifty Shades? Whipping? Canes?
Mind: Oh bless, they think they know what they're talking about.
Mind: Jeez, why are they so loud? I'm sure the old lady near them doesn't want to hear about butt plugs.
Mind: Or does she? HAHAHAHA.
Mind: Blimey, why are there so many of them?
Mind: Why is that girl trying to sound older by talking about sex out loud?
Mind: She's annoying.
Mind: Stop talking, please. You've probably never touched a willy in your life.
Mind: Oh dear god, the whole carriage is going to know about what you get up to within these 20 minutes.
Mind: Do you know what? Why don't you ask the ticket man whether you can speak over the tannoy, it wouldn't make a difference at the volume you're speaking at.
Mind: Man, I sound grumpy. Am I on my period this week?
Mind: Nope. I'm just hungry. Get me off this train.
#10 SEEING A COUPLE SHOWING PDA
(COUPLE SITS IN TWO SEATER NEAR ME)
Mind: Aww they seem cute.
Mind: Lalalalalalalalalalala....oh looking they're kissing.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW)
Mind: Oh dear, this seems awkward.
(LOOKS BACK)
Mind: Oh wow, they're really going for it and they've only been on the train for a minute.
Mind: Wonder where they are going?
Mind: Shit man, it's like they haven't seen each other in a while.
Mind: Oh my god, why am I looking? QUICK LOOK AT PHONE!
Mind: Do they know I'm here?
Mind: Oh my...
Mind: I hope I'm not part of some voyeurism shit.
Mind: ....Are they still kissing?
Mind: Well. Yup. That's what my eyes see. He's groping her boob. Nope. Boobs. Plural.
Mind: Maybe he was trying to grab her face and it accidentally slipped. I DON'T KNOW IT COULD HAPPEN! I WASN'T WATCHING.
Mind: Eeeek, they're making noises.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)
Mind: Yup, this is what I'm gonna have to do for the rest of the journey.
Mind: Hmm, I wonder what I shall have for lunch.
(GOES THROUGH TUNNEL)
Mind: Oh god the windows have gone black. OMG I can see them in the reflection.
Mind: I CAN'T ESCAPE THEM!
Mind: When this is over, I'm going blog about this shit.
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