Would I Be Friends With Myself?

If I had an exact clone of myself (personality wise), would I be friends with it?

Hell yeah.

To give a brief summary of myself:

• I am shy
• Socially awkward - to elaborate, say weird things when I'm nervous or am very quiet bordering on rude or non-existent 
• I like my own company
• I am an ambivert, so not totally introverted because I do like people
• Laid back
• Procrastinator 
• I doubt myself (WAY) too much
• Grumpy
• I love cartoons and playing games

You get the gist.

It's so hard to find someone who gets you. Who doesn't judge or question the way you are - they just know and appreciate your presence. Finding that kind of understanding and patience is like catching a freaking rare Pokemon. 

When you find someone who is similar to you, there's no effort to the friendship - well, sorta. It's easier. You just click and it's a fantastic feeling. It's usually the feeling of relief because making friends can be hard enough, let alone trying to maintain one.

I often see myself as boring, weird or just too damn quiet and I can see it put people off but that's okay. It's part of my character and I think it would be great to be friends with a clone who accepts that. Plus what I personally find boring or weird within myself may be the total opposite to the other person.

So clone, where you at?!

However I will do a post explaining "No" to this question too, just so I can see two sides.

Who Likes Confrontations?

Er, not me.

I don't know how some people do it. How do people have the heart and balls to confront somebody, without getting nervous?

I've only done it a couple of times and the times that I have, my blood was boiling. I would have to be angry or very very annoyed. But other than that, I'm quite laid back. 

Sometimes I think that these people do not deserve my time for me to get angry about but at the same time, they need to hear some truths. 

The ones who confront people often (especially face-to-face) are quite scary. I wouldn't know what to say to somebody. I would probably freeze, say a few words that don't make sense and then walk away. Then seconds later, I would have the perfect response but of course it's too late. 

Why brain why.

Confrontation isn't a great way to communicate but some things need to be said. My heart beats too fast for it to be a smooth face-off. 

Timing is everything as well, and also the location. 

Others who like confrontations do it to be intimidating or shit stirring. 

Run, Rex, Run!

Teenagers.

ENLIGHTMENT: 

I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS ANNOYED IN 2014 BUT STILL APPLIES TO ALL TEENAGERS. 

Teenagers. Are. Horrible.

Was I horrible as a teen? Probably. 

Their attitude, the way they walk, the way they talk to people, the apparent "unfairness" about things in life, the constant wasting of food like money appears in thin air - no sense of value in money. 

Is it the parents fault? Or the older sibling's duty to make sure they don't end up like this? 
Or are they programmed to be like this?

You warn them about strangers, staying out late, friends and "older" boys but they brush you off like a piece of dirt under their newly bought AirMaxs. And then the inevitable happens? You burst out crying about a situation that we warned you about? No. Had enough. The only way you will learn is to experience it.

Having a 13-year-old sister is hard. Really hard. 

We tell her not to wear make-up because it clogs up your skin and makes your skin shit in the future. 
But you never listen.
Now you have what I like to call 'make-up spots' - where a cluster of bumps gather on your skin (mainly on forehead and cheeks) due to the amount of crap your face has to deal with. And the only way to hide those spots is with more make-up. A nasty cycle. 

We tell her not to wear skimpy clothes and high heels because she is 13 and therefore it would be inappropriate for her to be looked at.
She says she forgets she's really young and thinks she's 16. But no, you are not.
You are what we class as 'jailbait'.
I feel sorry for the man who will look at you thinking you are 18, when in fact you are way below the legal age - and then he will feel dirty and get backlash for looking at you, even though this information was not presented to him. But I will still stare him down - it's protective instincts. 
You are not 18 yet. Get a grip.

We tell her to help out around the house. Her face drops. It's like we have asked her to do the most cruelest job around. Why? We all had to do jobs in order to get pocket money. She gets annoyed when we shout as if she's done nothing wrong. Don't pull a strop young lady - we're only asking for your help. 

We tell her not to drop her new phone. She drops it without care. It previously belonged to my dad, no scratches. She has it, covered in it. She drops it like she has a new phone on the way. No, you don't. I don't know whether this is our fault, we spoil her and now she doesn't know how precious money is. Teenagers know they have to earn what they want but they want it given at the same time.

We warn her about so-called friends she has, saying that they can be bitches and are not what they seem. She ignores us. Insisting that she knows them very well and that they wouldn't do that. Are you sure? You have two generations telling you what we know from experience and yet you brush us off like we don't know anything? Mate, open your eyes. We can foresee the future.

We warn her not to do something, but then you do it. We take your phone away, your internet and ground you from going out. You feel like we're taking your life away. We're not. It's discipline. You're only 13. Your life doesn't stop at 13. 

We tell you that you are beautiful the way you are and that you should be proud of your heritage. 
But you always keep wishing for things.

Wishing you were American.
Wishing you had an American accent.
Wishing you were taller.
Wishing you were thinner.
Wishing you were older. 
Wishing you had nicer teeth.
Wishing you were more Asian.
Wishing you could speak Korean.
Wishing you were Korean.

How do you think that affects us? Are you not proud of being Chinese? Don't you think Chinese is a beautiful language too? For God's sake, you're only 13! Some of things you wish for will fall into place as you grow, but all I hear is moan, moan, moan. Is life that unfair to you right now? Things teenagers wish for can be shallow. 

I feel frustrated and fed up all the time with her behaviour.

Our grandfather came to England to earn money and to provide a better life for his family. 
He worked very hard. He opened up the takeaway in 1975 and it has been our life since. We have worked here to build up a work ethic and money to get out of this sort of business. Do you want to work at the takeaway forever? The answer is no. Don't take things for granted. 

This doesn't just apply to my sister. This will apply to all teenagers.

Parents and relatives will teach teenagers morals and life lessons, for them to get the automatic, "Whatever". Teenagers will go through similar situations like the ones I have given up until they are 18/19, which is when they either go to university or get a job. The realisation will hit them that their family have been only protecting and guiding them through life, even though it may seem like constant nagging. 

I love my sister dearly. Even though there is an eight year age gap, I treat her like my best friend. 
She asks a question, I tell her the truth. No sugar coating. 
She wishes for things? I reassure her that her time will come or that she should be proud of how she is. But that reassurance is never enough to make them feel content at that age because it doesn't seem believable. 

Being 18 seems like light-years away but it will come like tomorrow. 

You Like Me But You Don't?

Humans are a funny creation. The body is built with function organs and a mind of our own to control, with an ability to produce opinions and therefore, emotions are created. Sometimes, these emotions clash with whats morally right and wrong, what's good and evil and most of all, common sense.  

To be honest, people are strange. Whatever we do, people will either hate us or really love us.

But why is it when we are so nice to another human people and then we do one little thing wrong and suddenly we're the bad guys? Did you forget about all the nice things we've done for you? We are the nice people. It's not in our nature to be nasty.

Whereas for people who are bitches from the beginning and then they do ONE nice thing [something menial] and suddenly you love the pants out of them and all is forgiven. 

I don't understand. 

Common sense comes into play - you know they're bad people but for some reason, they're being excused? And then when a good, hearted person does something wrong accidentally or you took it the wrong way - you hate them. EH?

I don't want to know how your mind works. You sound dumb. You don't know who's good in your life. 

Leave ma life. Go away. 

University Friends vs Friends Back At Home

It's a difficult situation to be in because one half of your friends are working full-time and the other half is trying to get a degree. And some don't even want to mix with each other because they're in different areas of their lives.

I'm the degree part but doesn't mean I'm not friends with people who work. I don't want to isolate people because at the end of the day, we all have the same goal - have a job and earn money.

The difficulty I mentioned is balance. 

Balancing the time to see each other when we're home. Balancing out topics during conversations - everyone won't be sharing the same experience's and may get jealous or bored. This is one problem one of my friend's had, and I just felt angry. Well, not angry. Annoyed mainly because the situation that occurred was rude. 

I stopped being friends with one girl (Girl1) for various reasons but me and this girl are mutual friends with another girl that I'm good friends with, and regularly meet for coffee when I'm back from Southampton. (Sorry for the very long sentence)

Anyway, my friend started her degree at a college for the first two years and then completed her last year at a university. I was happy for her what ever she did but quite happy that she went to university because I think she has always wanted the "university experience". 

She went to university and would come back for holidays. When I met up with her, she said that she had met up with Girl1 and Girl2. Each time they had met up, they never asked about her about how university was. They didn't go you see, so I don't know whether they felt no common ground if they asked or that they felt other things. No idea. It's out of politeness to ask because that was her life at the time and I'm sure they were a little bit curious. 

When I met up with her, I would ask her so many questions about how university was going, who were flatmates were, what the course was like and everything. But maybe because I know about the subject more than the other girls because I went. 

I guess it seemed like the best of both worlds but it wasn't.

Apparently they would usually talk about themselves, how much money they were making and how many boys they had kissed. I can see that. When I was still friends with one of them back then, she kept saying how much money she was making, how many discounts she was given and the amount of clothes she bought, only for her to give it to charity straight after. I got bored of the conversations. Only because it was bragging and I thought with all of that money, she'd start saving it for a house or something for the future, but she just kept spending it. It's not my place to tell something how to live or advise how they should spend their money. They're old enough to know.  

One thing that bugged me was that whenever my friend would again meet up with these girls, they would (I guess) talk about work and then turn to my friend and say, "Oh, you 'university people' wouldn't understand." THE FUCK?

Huh? Am I not getting something here? Do you think we are a different kinds of species or something? Do you think we are thick? Why you trying to alienate us?

We 'university people' will be part of your group one day, it's just delayed because well, of a degree and debt. 

We are not above you if you are thinking that. We also don't think you're below us either because you have not experienced the university life. Heck, I don't even know how to do tax or even got the hang of bill money so that's going to come as a surprise for me.

Back to the point, I could tell my friend was annoyed at the fact that they kept separating full-time workers to people who went on to higher education. It's not nice. My friend is only one person and these two girls kept saying shit. I would feel pretty miffed and isolated. Two girls against one. I felt annoyed for her because of the way they were treating her as something different. Is that what friendship is? How can friendship be like this over education? 

My friend is now working full-time so hopefully their stupid talk has stopped.

Anyway, with my university friends [people I've met here and friends from home who have gone to university], I guess it was inevitable that we would get on. We're all going through the same experience and so we could natter about everything that we encountered so far. 

I feel for the people who never went. If I didn't go and had plenty of friends who went and came back with all these new stories and experiences, I would feel left out and feel that we have nothing in common. 

But good friendship won't let that get in the way. Everyone will be going through experiences at different parts of their lives. Whether you're traveling, working abroad, having a family, doing a PhD or taking care of 30 cats - as long as you are open in sharing experiences and listening. 

If you don't have the ability to listen to your friends or ask how they are then mate, you're rude.

PS I still like some of my friends back at home. I just feel sad when they leave out people who went to university and vice versa. It's not fair and not nice. 

Tips When Out In Public.

There are some things we do at home, that we tend to avoid out in public but sometimes it cannot be helped. Or we get caught in situations in public that needs rescuing subtly. 
Here are tips if it ever happens.

1) Toilet
Let's face it, we don't like any bathrooms that isn't ours. When a poop needs to come out and you do not have time to run home, go to the cubicle in the deepest end of the toilets (because who walks that far to poop?) or a cubicle near a hand dryer. For those who worry about being "heard", the hand dryer would mask the sound of the plopping. A bonus would be both! Also, would be a good idea to have some perfume on you too. If you don't have any, don't worry - the girls probably saw you walk in and told everyone to evacuate the building. 

2) Pulling A Push Door And Vice Versa
Just walk in like it didn't happen. If anything, they probably never noticed you coming through that door. You're that special. 

3) Opinions
Everyone has one and sometimes they're not useful. It's best to keep the opinions to yourself when out in public if case you end up offending someone. If your friend is being opinionated, get some duct tape and tape that bitch down to the ground and then walk away. They must look like they've been mummified, in order for their punishment to be acceptable. 

4) Farting
It's the 'Who Done It?" game. If you can walk and "talk", let it out slowly and walk away from the fart. 

If you're a lift which is the worst/best place to do it. To do this, let it out slowly and if it smells (trust me it will), give it a second and then cover your hand over your nose - it'll seem like you're blaming it on whoever is in the lift. 

Pull some facial expressions at the same time if you want. They won't suspect it's you. Unless you have a child right next to your bum - then fart on him until they pass out. 

When the lift journey is over, your acting skills would be Oscar worthy. 

5) Dropping Cutlery In A Restaurant
Clumsy moments will happen and when it does, it's dropping a knife or fork and it doesn't happen quietly. When it occurs, blame it on the kid on the next table. 

6) Feeling So Full You Want To Burst
Why does being fancy-pancy restrict us from being who we are? Unbutton that bitch and let that belly flow. 

7) Food In Your Teeth
Do it Asian style, get a toothpick and rummage for the tasty treats lurking in your mouth in front of everybody. Yayyyy. 

Do I Want A Baby Now?

I did a video on this a while ago about why I didn't want a baby right now. I thought it wasn't controversial because I am 22 after all and I thought I had explained myself clearly as to why it would not be convenient. Turns out some people took it the wrong way. Typically, it was the pregnant ones that kicked off or the ones that were already young mothers. 

I'm not too sure why they kicked off to be honest. I was stating why I didn't want one now. Like I said, I'm 22 and nearly finished university - imagine if I decided I want a baby now after completing a degree and not making use of it? I'm in a job mindset, not baby mindset. I want to travel, leave my small town, enjoy a career and myself. That has been my mother's goal and I can see why she encouraged me to go to university and not have a baby yet. My mother had me when she was 22 or 23 (can't remember) and even though I brought light into her life, she admits she was very young and wouldn't want me to repeat history.

Since I'm still a student, I have no moneys. I can't even buy milk sometimes so how can I afford to feed a babby? Money will always be an issue when it comes to children (unless you're super rich). If I became pregnant now? Sorry to say (but not sorry), I would have to abort it. It wouldn't be fair on the child, on my parents who would be helping me or even the father of the child who isn't ready. I can't understand young parents who are expecting a child through accidental pregnancy to be happy. I think I would be shocked. Some accidents can be happy if this is what you want. Don't get me wrong, children are wonderful. But my mother struggled as a single parent with me for a long time. It was lucky my mother had the help she did. But babies are for life, not for just Instagram or Facebook. 

I see young parents on Facebook and Instagram presenting to the world what they had made. I'm happy for them because they finally look happy within themselves, but I can see what's going to happen in 20 years time. The child will turn 18, have a job/go to university/leave home/have a family of their own, and then the parents think it's now their time to shine and party - because they couldn't do it during their 20s and 30s. They think they're free because their child is now an "adult" but they will always be worrying about them 24/7. You're not free once you have a child. 

Another thing I see is that when mothers come to another mothers or pregnant woman's defense, they always say "Having a baby is the best thing that's ever happened to me." I mentioned this to my friend and he got really annoyed and made an interesting point, "How do they know it's the best thing ever when they've never left this town? They haven't travelled, seen the world, or done anything." 

It put me at ease. When I heard about the complaint about the video, it made me feel guilty for mentioning anything. But this was their choice to have a baby. Of course it's the best thing that ever happened - not much has happened in your life before then. I feel bad now for saying that because what if having a baby really saved them, what if this baby is what they needed all along. And to be honest, I don't feel I have done much with my life either apart from going to university. These women have made a human being! 

I don't know.

I guess they chose this path. Everyone has an opinion and obviously they didn't like mine because they are in a situation I am not ready for - doesn't mean I hate it. These mothers can kick off all they like. They chose this path, they can deal with what's coming. There are worse people than me in this world. And it's the same for me too - I don't want a baby right now and some will disagree with that. Seriously, who cares? They'll see me as a hater and have their whole army of people backing them up. Who cares? Ignore me if you do not like it. I wasn't thinking of you when I did the video blog. Plenty of mothers in Southampton and on my friend's News Feed (who had a pregnant friend who kept putting status' about her poo and sickness problems - ew). My world does not revolve around you. What will putting a Facebook status do? Get 600 likes? With people agreeing with you, making you feel validated? It won't stop me from writing things like this. I have to write articles and blogs like this because this will end up being my job one day. I am trained in writing. I have to make money from this. This isn't even controversial. 

Shall I carry on with my points? Went off there. 

I also love my sleep. At this moment, I would not give up my sleep for a baby. If I had one, then yes, taking care of my baby would be priority number one over my bed, but if someone asks me if I would willingly sacrifice my sleep to have a baby now, I would say you're crazy. 

Which leads on to the next point: I am selfish. Not many admit that. I love sleep. I love eating my own food and taking my time. I can be as spontaneous as I like. I like buying things for myself. What single lady who has no responsibilities wouldn't? 

I do admit, it does sound like I'm bashing all the women that are preggers. I'm not. I just don't like the pregnant women who force the idea of getting up the duff on someone who doesn't want one or isn't ready e.g. just finished uni. I wouldn't force someone to go to university because I did. They can go if they want or perhaps decide to do something else. I would have my input and say I enjoyed it thoroughly and the benefits and they can decide from everyone's experience after. 

But then again, that's how I've been brought up. Everyone in my family have said to go to university to earn more money. People can get jobs and earn money but (apparently) with a degree, you can earn more money. We'll see. Need a job first. 

It's funny, when it was December 31st 2014 - I kept seeing memes on Facebook saying, "Like if you made it through 2014 without a baby!". Of course I found it funny because having no bun in the oven is seen as an achievement. I ended up tagging my friend in it. Hehe. Then I saw the comments and it was mothers stating that the women who are happy that they made it without a baby are the ones getting drunk all the time, having one-night stands and do not know the true meaning of happiness because they do not have a baby. 

ERRRRRM.... What? I don't get drunk (even though I should at this age) and I don't have one-night stands (I'm in a long term relationship with a loving boyfriend) so actually ladies, I'm responsible and I am trying to get education together (waaa), thank you. Not all women who don't get pregnant are not like how you described. And I still don't want a baby now - however you make it sound like raindrops and unicorn poop.  

I'm not hating on young mothers, by the way (eek some convincing is needed). My mother was one, and without her, I wouldn't be here but she was ready for a family. It was all she ever wanted: to be married and have kids. If I ever had a baby now, I think I would end up resenting myself for not fulfilling my 20s and 30s with experiences and stories. Basically, I want to get everything out of my system and live life to the fullest and then settle. Because when I settle, I want to have all of my attention on my children and taking care of my husband, because I would be (hopefully) sorted out financially, have a home, a good job and have so many stories to tell people one day. I watch AprilAthena7 on YouTube and a fan queried her about starting a family and April had the perfect answer - it was diplomatic and it made sense. If you want my answer just watch that video.

Also, here is the last reason: I want to avoid the Asian mother feeling disappointed. It would dishonour my family and my cow. 

PS If you see spelling mistakes, it's intended. 

Dear Ex-Best Friend...

I will have to try and get my memory working because I cannot remember who my best friends were back then. It's been a long time since having a best friend and a lot of people have left my life so remembering is difficult, but here are some of the reasons that may have happened.

1) We drifted apart
So common when one of us either go to a different college, university, a new circle of friends or we can't be bothered anymore. With me going to university and you guys behind and getting a full-time job, it was inevitable.

2) You are a bitch
There is a reason why I cut you out of my life. I don't need this crap in my life. All negativity and it's very much high school mentality. I'm not getting any younger and I don't want to be dealing with it. 

3) I was a bitch
I'm no saint either. I will happily admit that. Reasons for being a bitch? I guess I was young and naive, and if everybody around you is having a bitch-fest, you'll be persuaded to join in. But I've learnt my lesson since school. If anything now, for the people who know me really well, I'm a funny bitch. BETCH. 

4) The boyfriend or girlfriend
It was probably your first time having a serious partner, and so you spent all of your time with them. I don't blame you. I was in that situation before too. It's a new experience and you'd want to soak it up as much as possible, but that means leaving your friends behind too. I guess this can be part of 'drifting apart'. It's also not great being the third wheel either. 

5) More than friends
Having feelings for your best friend is a tricky one. I think there has been plenty of times where I have had feelings for my male best friend but he didn't feel the same, or he liked me but I didn't. And then of course, you have to distance yourself for things not to get weird, but things do get weird because you're not talking. AAAH! Complicated.

6) You had a new best friend
That moment of feeling abandoned for another friend is a pretty shit feeling. Everyone who had a best friend has experienced the "Who is this bitch taking my bestest friend in the whole world away from me?" But then you realise your best friend doesn't see you as her most closest anymore and it's a really sad moment in time. You get left out and you don't know what to do, but you move on with new friends. I felt down when that happened, only because of all those years spent together was thrown away. 

7) We let each other down
When something has happened or we're at a different stage in life, we weren't there for each other. A sad confession I'd like to make is that when I don't want to be your friend anymore, I don't actually fully tell you - I ignore you or say politey why we shouldn't be friends until you get the point. It is the shittiest way to do it, which is why naturally drifting apart makes things easier. I don't like confrontations and I think ending a friendship can be as hard as ending a romantic relationship. 

However, if it is about someone who has turned nasty, I feel they don't deserve my explanation. They should know within themselves why the friendship has ended, unless they think they're a saint. Then they're delusional. 

I think my list can go on and on. And you know the saying "Boyfriends Come And Go But Friends Are Forever"? Not true. One can easily go as much as the other. 

You know what is definitely forever? Family. 

Vlogging Time

So I have just started video blogging which is a scary step because I don't feel I belong in front of the camera but I thought I'd give it a try. It's going okay at the moment. Editing is really fun, but it means I have been ignoring this blog for a while now so hopefully I can balance the two. 

I've recently uploaded Heads Up, Do I Want A Baby Now, Heads Up Bloopers, No Mirror Make Up Challenge and Making Friends (this one hasn't gone up yet) so a few already. I have barely any subscribers so starting out very fresh. 

Heads Up and Heads Up Bloopers
Me and Peter just recorded ourselves playing Ellen Degeneres' game and it's quite an enjoyable game. Obviously you need to know your topics well but it's funnier when you don't. 

Do I Want A Baby Now?
For this one, I basically explained why I don't want a baby at the moment, with examples such as my mother having me young and don't want to repeat history, I love my food and sleep too much to have a child and so on, so nothing controversial really from a view of a 21-year-old. I was worried that some of my pregnant friends (if they ever watched it) were going to take offence but I haven't had any hate so far.... I don't know whether that's a good or a bad thing. 

Anyway, if they did watch it, it was nothing to do with them to be honest, no one in particular. THERE'S SO MANY MOTHERS IN SOUTHAMPTON! I am merely observing my surroundings in my everyday life and saying why I don't want a baby. Simples. 

No Mirror Make Up Challenge
This is where I turn into a clown. I've seen beauty bloggers try this and it looked really fun. So I have no mirror in front of me and I need to try and put make up on. It was really hard. I didn't know where my eyes where. Something similar to this like 'Boyfriend Does My Make Up' will come up in the future.

Making Friends
I haven't uploaded this one up yet, mainly because I don't know how I feel about it still. Of course I have friends in my life but no one really that I'm close to or someone I can have for life, that's what I'm trying to say. It's sort of a sad one, but it's the truth I guess.  

More to come!

Dear Best Friend...

This is going to be a sad confession, but I don't think I have a best friend. I have a couple of close friends, but best? I don't know. It's been such a long time since I've had one and since friendships come and go, I don't know what qualifies one.

Of course in school I had plenty of best friends which is a normal part of growing. Anyone you got on with was classified as your best friend but during those 5 years, you start to figure out who your friends are. And even after that? Well, I actually still don't know who my friends are. Going to college and university definitely helped narrowed it down but I feel for the better.

So, to the close friends that I do have, thank you for staying in my life.

I don't feel I have many friends today but I don't think it's also healthy to have about 20 people some class as their "best friend", so I'm glad I'm not in that kind of situation.

Sorry this is a short letter, but I don't have much to say about the topic. To be honest, I'm not fussed about having a best friend, I'm happy with family and just friends for now.

Love Isobel.

P.S Peter, you don't count. Nor do you mum.

Dear Ex No.2...

In the last letter I wrote, I did it for my first boyfriend. You were my second boyfriend, but not my second love. 

I don't know how I'm going to feel about writing this one. I feel as though you might have been the rebound. I still loved my first love for at least four months on after him and I broke up, and then you came along and made me feel warm again inside. I was so heartbroken and I needed mending. It was wrong to use you to heal my heart, but at the same time, it worked. However, time being with myself would have worked better.

I tried so hard to fall in love with you but in the end, my heart had always belonged to someone else. You were a good boyfriend - loving, caring and always sweet to my family but you had your own baggage too. You had issues that I couldn't handle as your girlfriend and it made me realise that I wasn't ready to be in another relationship.

Your autism didn't bother me though. Let's get that straight. I treated you like anybody else and you didn't even act like you had the condition. What bothered me was your insecurity and jealousy. It pushed me away. 

Keeping you as just a friend would have been the best option. For both of us. To be honest, we were in it for the sex.

There was also speculation saying I cheated on you with my current partner now. I didn't. We broke up and I met the new one the next day. I don't condone cheating.

You became difficult after we broke up, even though we said we would stay friends, but I should've known that it wasn't going to work. I left some of my belongings at your house before university because you got upset that I was going to take it away, with the prospect of us potentially breaking up so, I left it there. Big mistake. You wouldn't give it back. I asked for it back politely and arranged for my mother to pick it up for me since I was in Southampton and wouldn't be home for three months, but you didn't want my mother near your house at all. You said that I either sent money for packaging or came to collect it myself and then, it's the thing afterwards you said which made my shiver "but we both know which one you're going to choose". I was shocked and it struck a bit of fear in me because you were becoming quite scary.

 

After that, had no choice but to contact your father. Your father is a good man and one of the loveliest people I have met. Luckily, he convinced you to hand over my bag but that meant coming to my house. 

I remember phoning my mother up afterwards to see if you handed over my things and what happened. She said when the doorbell rang, she opened the door to you and felt frightened as soon as she saw you. Your body language was stiff and rigid. Your eyes bloodshot and aimed at my mother. She said it looked like you were going to kill her. I remember her saying that she stood right in the doorway to block you, in case you tried to come in. I didn't mean to put my mother in that position where she was scared. It should've been me dealing with you but she wanted to protect me. 



To be honest looking back, it wasn't all smooth sailing trying to part from you. You wanted to mutually break up at New Years which was your version of "a new start"  but none of it made sense. If I wanted to be happy then, why wait another 3 months? And why at New Years? Breaking up when I said and did would still be classed as a fresh start and you knew Christmas/New Years was a sensitive time then due to the previous boyfriend breaking up with me around that time. 

So do you know what I figured out? It was because it wasn't on your own terms. The last time you were in a relationship, you broke up with the poor girl and had me lined up as back up - and then we dated. I noticed since you didn't have a back up already in case we broke up, you wanted to wait until New Years which would give you three months to find a new girl. As much as you said you loved me, you couldn't stand the idea of being alone. Yes I went into another relationship straight away but that's because I did it for love. You would've done it purely because you were scared. Nothing was going the way you planned and you thought you could control that aspect in your life. Emotionally, you were unstable. You needed to love yourself before you started loving someone else because those fears and insecurities would pile on the other person and the strength to hold you up any longer would break. 



And that's what kinda happened. We broke. Our relationship broke, and so did our friendship. 



You said I was cold but I saw myself as emotionally okay and independent. I promised myself that I would never revolve my world around a boyfriend again because I lost my focus last time and my main priority was and still is education, but it seems that it never happened with you because I guess I never fell in love. I just loved you a dear amount. 



After everything that happened, I am sorry I caused you a lot of pain for dating so soon. I remember that was one of your biggest fears, that one day someone would make no effort to woo me and I would just be head over heels like that, whereas you had to make the effort to get into my heart. I tried not to fall for someone so quickly because of the pain I knew it would cause you, but the thing is, I fell in love. I couldn't stop how I felt and I realised that you have to be with people for the right reasons. 

Of course I still cared about you after our relationship ended because I first gained you as a friend but it was never going to be the same afterwards. We both should've handled the situation better but we're exs by the end of the day. 

I hope you achieve what you want in life and wish you all the best. Take care.

Love Isobel.

Dear Ex No.1...

I don’t know where to begin. I guess at ‘Hi'. This will be one of the most difficult letters to write. Probably because you are my first love and will always have a spot in my heart.

I don’t know what happened with us. I don’t see our past relationship as a failed one. We were very young and fell in love. It was my first time falling in love and it was quite an adventure. Our two and a half years together was very special. Of course like any couple, we had our ups and downs but I don’t regret our time with each other. 

When I first saw you, I thought you were lovely and tall. And then we started talking to each other and meeting up and I thought your blue eyes were the most beautiful things I had ever seen. The only reason we ever got together was because our friend and I’m very grateful she helped us along the way. 

You made me laugh, feel butterflies, happiness and just pure love. I knew it was serious when we took our relationship to the next level. I don't feel regret.

You made me overcome my fear of dogs when I had to confront your 3 big dogs at your house. I was crapping myself. They were jumping and being excited and my fear was getting jumped on again. But they were lovely. Kinda. Still crapping myself after meeting them. 

Meeting your parents was scary too. First time meeting the boyfriend’s parents but they were very welcoming and lovely. Like you. You were always lovely to me, especially your hand drawn cards you created for my birthdays, Valentine’s and anniversaries. 

But something felt different nearer to the end of our relationship.

I don’t know what it was but it didn’t feel the same. You weren’t the man I fell in love anymore. You were drifting away from me. But I still held on. When it came to breaking up, I realised afterwards that you were the one who broke it off with me. At first, I thought it was mutual, but the realisation hit hard. I experienced my first ever heartbreak. It sucked. And then you got a girlfriend afterwards, the sucking got worse. 

The attempt to move on was difficult. Our relationship came to a halt. You were moving on before I could even grasp that we had even broken up. But by then, you could do what you wanted, you weren’t mine anymore.

It’s been nearly 4 years since we ended. Time’s flown. We’re probably quite different people now compared to our 15-year-old selves. Seeing you recently has made me miss the friendship and the good times that we had. But I also remember the bad, which stops me from thinking any further. 

There were so many things I wished for during and after our relationship and what could've been different, but that's all in the past now. I guess we were never meant to be and I've accepted that. 

You were a good boyfriend and I'm glad you were mine once. I wish you the best of luck in the future. Take care.

All the love from, Isobel x

Dear Self...

I don’t know how to start this. You’ve gone through so much already. 

School. College. Love. And now university. Even though you haven’t travelled as much as you have liked or gotten the needed experience already for work, you’ve done a lot more than you think. 

Growing up was a test. You had to deal with racism, as well as people saying you were ugly. But you weren’t ugly on the inside. Remember that. Looks can only go so far. You were just shy and needed coming out of your shell and eventually, the outside matched the inside. If you are patient, time will be good to you. 

You can do anything you want. You have a loving family supporting you, even when they are being critical or telling you to “get over it", they are only doing this so you can better yourself and be tougher. To prove that you can be better. Growing up in an asian family is hard, especially when the expectations of you is either to be a lawyer or a doctor. But that’s because they don’t want you to become poor. Or be working in a takeaway forever. But you didn’t take this route, you took the route to be a writer. To be a good journalist one day. Your skill is in writing. Not science. Not maths. And definitely not law. I think they know that.

Outside of academia, you’ve gone through periods, boys and tantrums. And you have your family to thank for helping you calm down during those episodes, especially your mum and dad. They are your voice of wisdom and common sense when you can’t handle things or being unreasonable. When you went through your first period, your mum was there. When you went through your first heartbreak, your whole family was there for you. Feeding chocolate and giving you a Bridget Jones film to watch. And when you got accepted into university, everybody was there for you. Friends and family. You’ve got so much support without realising. 

I know you’ve lost many friends over the years due to drifting apart or your decision to cut negative people out of your life, so only a few still exist.

So for the ones that are still around, don’t take their company for granted. Call them up to meet, say hello, converse, eat with them! And if that doesn’t work out with old friends, you can always meet new friends. Not the end of the world if you’re "Billy No Mates".

You’re still so young. Only 21. So don’t panic when something doesn’t go right. You’ve got time. But don’t take your time either, otherwise nothing will be done. Always strive for success. And make your family proud. They didn’t work their whole lives for no reason. They’ve done it for their children’s future. To make sure we are safe. 

I know you will always be worrying about you and your surroundings but being worried is okay. You’re not married or a mother so you’ve got nothing to worry about apart from yourself. You are not ready for that responsibility yet, but the time will come. During the mean time, take care of yourself; see the world; get an amazing job. Fulfil your needs so you can be satisfied within yourself. Don’t let the fear get to you. Everything will fall into place. 

Stop doubting yourself. Life is a learning curve. 

Love Me x

Things That Happen On Trains.

I travel on trains frequently and when a situation occurs, my mind goes into overload and think things that you wouldn't say in public. Funny things, obviously.

WARNING: May contain swearing, judging, hunger, impatience, lots of exclamation marks and capitalisation.

Enjoy.

#1 WHEN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE MAN OVER THE TANNOY
Man: Welcome aboard the South West train service to London Waterloo. There has been a slight delay due to a gidnfbhjvdnsasdkjfnadjfbnvajsdfbnvjdafnb.

Mind: Eh? What did he say? WHAT'S DA DELAY?

Man: ...Thank you for your patience.

Mind: OI GET BACK HERE! I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID!

Mind: GURL, this better not make me miss breakfast hour at McDonalds. 

#2 WHEN A SMELLY PERSON SITS NEXT TO YOU
Man: Can I sit here please?

Mind: NOPE.

Mouth: Of course.

Mind: Dammit, why are we British too polite?!

Mind: Oh god, he stinks.

Mind: Is my perfume on me? (Rummages through bag, item not found)... NOOOOO!

Mind: Oh my god, am I gonna die? Is this how I die? Suffocation of bad odour?

Mind: The windows aren't open. I'm gonna kill somebody.

Mind: Hold. Your. Breath.

Mind: Why don't they provide oxygen masks on trains like they do on planes? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!

Mind: Is he moving?

Mind: OMG it's his stop!

Mind: But he's left his smell behind.

Mind: NOOOOOO!

#3 WHEN SOMEONE SITS NEXT TO YOU AND FALLS ASLEEP TRAPPING YOU IN
Mind: Aww aren't they cute sleeping?

Mind: Wait, they're sleeping?

Mind: No, no, no don't fall asleep!

Mind: Are they asleep?

Mind: Knew I should've sat on the outside.

Mind: Shall I tap them? Is it rude to wake them up?

Mind: OMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXT

Mind: Well, that's final then. I'm off to Scotland. 

#4 CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS AFTER SHOPPING AND TRYING TO FIND A SEAT
Mind: Wow, it's busy today.

Mind: Oh god there's so many people.

Mind: Right, easy does it Isobel.

Victim #1: Ow!

Mouth: SORRY!

Mind: Oh god I just hit an old granny! I hope that didn't hurt too much.

(LIFTS BAGS HIGHER)

Victim #2: Oh Jesus! (Moves out of the way)

Mind: Eeek eek sorry, sorry, sorry! Why did I decide to go shopping today?!

(A FOOD TROLLEY COMES ALONG)

Mind: What the fuck, well bitch I ain't moving.

(A FEW SECONDS LATER)

Mind: Ok, I'll move. 

#5 NO SEATS/ROOM ON TRAIN SO RESORTED TO STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOILET
Mind: Jeez, I hope no one needs the toilet, they can hold it in right?

Mind: Nope, someone's going in, someone must hate me right now.

(STANDS OUT OF THE WAY, PERSON GOES IN)

(10 MINUTES PASS)

Mind: They've been in there for a while. They better not be doing a shit.

(HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH)

Mind: Oh god hold your breath.

(PERSON COMES OUT LOOKING EMBARRASSED AND WADDLES AWAY)

Mind: They didn't close the door!

Mind: Oh god, I held my breath too early I NEED TO BREATHE

(I LET GO AND STARTING BREATHING)

Mind: OH MY FUCKING GOD IT STINKS! And I can't move on this sardine train!

(SHUTS THE TOILET DOOR, A FEW SECONDS LATER ANOTHER PERSON WALKS IN)

Mind: Yup, someone is really hating on me right now.

#6 WHEN PASSENGERS STARE AT YOU
Mind: Eh? Is that person looking at me?

Mind: Oh dear lord they're looking.

Mind: Do I have something on my face? (Looks at phone quickly) Nope nothing.

Mind: Maybe it's something next to me? (Looks out the window) Nope, just trees.

Mind: Oh dear they're still looking.

Mind: So rude to stare...they can't be British

Mind: Do I stare back? Is this some sort of war going on that I'm not aware of?

Mind: This is a serious case of being a weirdo.

Mind: Fuck it, let's glare back. 

Mind: Nope, they haven't budged.

Mind: Maaaaaan, I must be fine looking today (Looks at phone again) Nope that's not it.

Mind: Ok they're still staring. Right that's it. I'm going to say something.

(TRAIN STOPS AND PERSON GETS OFF AT DESTINATION)

Mind: Ok, maybe not.

#7 OVERHEARING A GIRL FLIRTING WITH A BOY
Mind: Mate, this is cringey. 

Mind: What is she wearing?

Mind: She's only 16? Don't think she should be wearing a skirt that short.

Mind: Bloke seems alright, reciprocating back to her.

Mind: Oh my god, was that her laugh? Was that her flirty laugh?

Mind: Oh my god, was I like this at 16?

Mind: Jeez, I hope not.

Mind: Oh hang on wait...yeah I think I was.

Mind: Wow, that's embarrassing looking back.

Mind: You what mate? You're into weird shit? Should you be telling a guy this? Should I be listening to this anymore?

Mind: Fuck it, I've got another 10 minutes on this train.

#8 DISLIKE OF USING TRAIN TOILETS
Mind: Oh dear, I really need the toilet...

Mind: Dammit body, why do you want to do a number two at this very moment?! WHY NOT AT HOME?

Mind: Breathe, breathe. It's alright, only an hour on the train.

Mind: But can I really hold it in that long?

Mind: This. Is. Uncomfortable.

Mind: Shall I go to the toilets on the train?

Mind: Hmm, I could go...

Mind: Oh god, what if the train leaves without me?

Mind: Nope. Not going.

#9 WHEN OVERHEARING A TEENS CONVERSATION
Mind: Oh? What are they talking about? 

Mind: Fifty Shades? Whipping? Canes?

Mind: Oh bless, they think they know what they're talking about.

Mind: Jeez, why are they so loud? I'm sure the old lady near them doesn't want to hear about butt plugs.

Mind: Or does she? HAHAHAHA.

Mind: Blimey, why are there so many of them? 

Mind: Why is that girl trying to sound older by talking about sex out loud?

Mind: She's annoying.

Mind: Stop talking, please. You've probably never touched a willy in your life. 

Mind: Oh dear god, the whole carriage is going to know about what you get up to within these 20 minutes.

Mind: Do you know what? Why don't you ask the ticket man whether you can speak over the tannoy, it wouldn't make a difference at the volume you're speaking at. 

Mind: Man, I sound grumpy. Am I on my period this week?

Mind: Nope. I'm just hungry. Get me off this train. 

#10 SEEING A COUPLE SHOWING PDA
(COUPLE SITS IN TWO SEATER NEAR ME)

Mind: Aww they seem cute.

Mind: Lalalalalalalalalalala....oh looking they're kissing.

(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW)

Mind: Oh dear, this seems awkward.

(LOOKS BACK)

Mind: Oh wow, they're really going for it and they've only been on the train for a minute.

Mind: Wonder where they are going?

Mind: Shit man, it's like they haven't seen each other in a while.

Mind: Oh my god, why am I looking? QUICK LOOK AT PHONE!

Mind: Do they know I'm here?  

Mind: Oh my...

Mind: I hope I'm not part of some voyeurism shit.

Mind: ....Are they still kissing?

Mind: Well. Yup. That's what my eyes see. He's groping her boob. Nope. Boobs. Plural. 

Mind: Maybe he was trying to grab her face and it accidentally slipped. I DON'T KNOW IT COULD HAPPEN! I WASN'T WATCHING.

Mind: Eeeek, they're making noises. 

(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)

Mind: Yup, this is what I'm gonna have to do for the rest of the journey.

Mind: Hmm, I wonder what I shall have for lunch.

(GOES THROUGH TUNNEL)

Mind: Oh god the windows have gone black. OMG I can see them in the reflection.

Mind: I CAN'T ESCAPE THEM!

Mind: When this is over, I'm going blog about this shit.