I say sorry to a lot of things. Sometimes because the things that happened were an accident, the other times - not so much. Oops. The important factor is who or what I've said sorry to which has made me question how weird or terrible I am.
Here is a list of things I have said sorry to and their reasons.
1.The table leg, because I thought I kicked a human.
2. The Toy Story 3 'Peas' plushie because they fell down the side of the bed.
3. A Chinese woman on the train because I went to uncross my legs in a crowded area and decided to full on kick her. Accident, of course. I ain't that mean.
4. A hungry bird while eating food because I didn't want to get into trouble for feeding things that poop on us.
5. To a woman for grabbing her t-shirt and hair while I was falling backwards on a moving train. She was the first thing I saw to grab because I panicked.
6. To my grandma for eating the last bun after finally telling me she had never tried those buns before, even though she encouraged me to eat it. Eh? My guilty conscience is bad.
7. This is a bad one, pouring a bit of orange squash over my sister when we were younger because she was annoying me. REALLY AM SORRY FOBO!
8. To a cat because I had to put it down on the ground after cuddling it and it was still purring.
9. To my cousin for dropping her after she was climbing on me.
10. To locals in Hong Kong because I don't speak Cantonese. Actually they say sorry to me too for not speaking English which shouldn't be the case.
11. To anyone I'm speaking to before my phone battery dies.
12. To people I'm walking with in a group because I've got little legs and I'm slow. But seriously, they need to slow their long legs down. Tiny over here can't keep up.
13. To my boyfriend because I didn't feel like having sex - for the third day in a row...
14. To family and friends because I'm not drinking alcohol on a night out...or enough of it
15. My eyelids after pinching the skin with an eyelash curler.
I'm sure there are plenty more but for now, this is all I can remember. You get the gist, I say it to random objects and people. To be honest, I sound really clumsy.
Showing posts with label commuters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label commuters. Show all posts
Saturday, 11 June 2016
Friday, 22 August 2014
Things That Happen On Trains.
I travel on trains frequently and when a situation occurs, my mind goes into overload and think things that you wouldn't say in public. Funny things, obviously.
WARNING: May contain swearing, judging, hunger, impatience, lots of exclamation marks and capitalisation.
Enjoy.
#1 WHEN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE MAN OVER THE TANNOY
Man: Welcome aboard the South West train service to London Waterloo. There has been a slight delay due to a gidnfbhjvdnsasdkjfnadjfbnvajsdfbnvjdafnb.
Mind: Eh? What did he say? WHAT'S DA DELAY?
Man: ...Thank you for your patience.
Mind: OI GET BACK HERE! I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID!
Mind: GURL, this better not make me miss breakfast hour at McDonalds.
#2 WHEN A SMELLY PERSON SITS NEXT TO YOU
Man: Can I sit here please?
Mind: NOPE.
Mouth: Of course.
Mind: Dammit, why are we British too polite?!
Mind: Oh god, he stinks.
Mind: Is my perfume on me? (Rummages through bag, item not found)... NOOOOO!
Mind: Oh my god, am I gonna die? Is this how I die? Suffocation of bad odour?
Mind: The windows aren't open. I'm gonna kill somebody.
Mind: Hold. Your. Breath.
Mind: Why don't they provide oxygen masks on trains like they do on planes? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!
Mind: Is he moving?
Mind: OMG it's his stop!
Mind: But he's left his smell behind.
Mind: NOOOOOO!
#3 WHEN SOMEONE SITS NEXT TO YOU AND FALLS ASLEEP TRAPPING YOU IN
Mind: Aww aren't they cute sleeping?
Mind: Wait, they're sleeping?
Mind: No, no, no don't fall asleep!
Mind: Are they asleep?
Mind: Knew I should've sat on the outside.
Mind: Shall I tap them? Is it rude to wake them up?
Mind: OMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXT
Mind: Well, that's final then. I'm off to Scotland.
#4 CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS AFTER SHOPPING AND TRYING TO FIND A SEAT
Mind: Wow, it's busy today.
Mind: Oh god there's so many people.
Mind: Right, easy does it Isobel.
Victim #1: Ow!
Mouth: SORRY!
Mind: Oh god I just hit an old granny! I hope that didn't hurt too much.
(LIFTS BAGS HIGHER)
Victim #2: Oh Jesus! (Moves out of the way)
Mind: Eeek eek sorry, sorry, sorry! Why did I decide to go shopping today?!
(A FOOD TROLLEY COMES ALONG)
Mind: What the fuck, well bitch I ain't moving.
(A FEW SECONDS LATER)
Mind: Ok, I'll move.
#5 NO SEATS/ROOM ON TRAIN SO RESORTED TO STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOILET
Mind: Jeez, I hope no one needs the toilet, they can hold it in right?
Mind: Nope, someone's going in, someone must hate me right now.
(STANDS OUT OF THE WAY, PERSON GOES IN)
(10 MINUTES PASS)
Mind: They've been in there for a while. They better not be doing a shit.
(HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH)
Mind: Oh god hold your breath.
(PERSON COMES OUT LOOKING EMBARRASSED AND WADDLES AWAY)
Mind: They didn't close the door!
Mind: Oh god, I held my breath too early I NEED TO BREATHE
(I LET GO AND STARTING BREATHING)
Mind: OH MY FUCKING GOD IT STINKS! And I can't move on this sardine train!
(SHUTS THE TOILET DOOR, A FEW SECONDS LATER ANOTHER PERSON WALKS IN)
Mind: Yup, someone is really hating on me right now.
#6 WHEN PASSENGERS STARE AT YOU
Mind: Eh? Is that person looking at me?
Mind: Oh dear lord they're looking.
Mind: Do I have something on my face? (Looks at phone quickly) Nope nothing.
Mind: Maybe it's something next to me? (Looks out the window) Nope, just trees.
Mind: Oh dear they're still looking.
Mind: So rude to stare...they can't be British
Mind: Do I stare back? Is this some sort of war going on that I'm not aware of?
Mind: This is a serious case of being a weirdo.
Mind: Fuck it, let's glare back.
Mind: Nope, they haven't budged.
Mind: Maaaaaan, I must be fine looking today (Looks at phone again) Nope that's not it.
Mind: Ok they're still staring. Right that's it. I'm going to say something.
(TRAIN STOPS AND PERSON GETS OFF AT DESTINATION)
Mind: Ok, maybe not.
#7 OVERHEARING A GIRL FLIRTING WITH A BOY
Mind: Mate, this is cringey.
Mind: What is she wearing?
Mind: She's only 16? Don't think she should be wearing a skirt that short.
Mind: Bloke seems alright, reciprocating back to her.
Mind: Oh my god, was that her laugh? Was that her flirty laugh?
Mind: Oh my god, was I like this at 16?
Mind: Jeez, I hope not.
Mind: Oh hang on wait...yeah I think I was.
Mind: Wow, that's embarrassing looking back.
Mind: You what mate? You're into weird shit? Should you be telling a guy this? Should I be listening to this anymore?
Mind: Fuck it, I've got another 10 minutes on this train.
#8 DISLIKE OF USING TRAIN TOILETS
Mind: Oh dear, I really need the toilet...
Mind: Dammit body, why do you want to do a number two at this very moment?! WHY NOT AT HOME?
Mind: Breathe, breathe. It's alright, only an hour on the train.
Mind: But can I really hold it in that long?
Mind: This. Is. Uncomfortable.
Mind: Shall I go to the toilets on the train?
Mind: Hmm, I could go...
Mind: Oh god, what if the train leaves without me?
Mind: Nope. Not going.
#9 WHEN OVERHEARING A TEENS CONVERSATION
Mind: Oh? What are they talking about?
Mind: Fifty Shades? Whipping? Canes?
Mind: Oh bless, they think they know what they're talking about.
Mind: Jeez, why are they so loud? I'm sure the old lady near them doesn't want to hear about butt plugs.
Mind: Or does she? HAHAHAHA.
Mind: Blimey, why are there so many of them?
Mind: Why is that girl trying to sound older by talking about sex out loud?
Mind: She's annoying.
Mind: Stop talking, please. You've probably never touched a willy in your life.
Mind: Oh dear god, the whole carriage is going to know about what you get up to within these 20 minutes.
Mind: Do you know what? Why don't you ask the ticket man whether you can speak over the tannoy, it wouldn't make a difference at the volume you're speaking at.
Mind: Man, I sound grumpy. Am I on my period this week?
Mind: Nope. I'm just hungry. Get me off this train.
#10 SEEING A COUPLE SHOWING PDA
(COUPLE SITS IN TWO SEATER NEAR ME)
Mind: Aww they seem cute.
Mind: Lalalalalalalalalalala....oh looking they're kissing.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW)
Mind: Oh dear, this seems awkward.
(LOOKS BACK)
Mind: Oh wow, they're really going for it and they've only been on the train for a minute.
Mind: Wonder where they are going?
Mind: Shit man, it's like they haven't seen each other in a while.
Mind: Oh my god, why am I looking? QUICK LOOK AT PHONE!
Mind: Do they know I'm here?
Mind: Oh my...
Mind: I hope I'm not part of some voyeurism shit.
Mind: ....Are they still kissing?
Mind: Well. Yup. That's what my eyes see. He's groping her boob. Nope. Boobs. Plural.
Mind: Maybe he was trying to grab her face and it accidentally slipped. I DON'T KNOW IT COULD HAPPEN! I WASN'T WATCHING.
Mind: Eeeek, they're making noises.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)
Mind: Yup, this is what I'm gonna have to do for the rest of the journey.
Mind: Hmm, I wonder what I shall have for lunch.
(GOES THROUGH TUNNEL)
Mind: Oh god the windows have gone black. OMG I can see them in the reflection.
Mind: I CAN'T ESCAPE THEM!
Mind: When this is over, I'm going blog about this shit.
WARNING: May contain swearing, judging, hunger, impatience, lots of exclamation marks and capitalisation.
Enjoy.
#1 WHEN YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE MAN OVER THE TANNOY
Man: Welcome aboard the South West train service to London Waterloo. There has been a slight delay due to a gidnfbhjvdnsasdkjfnadjfbnvajsdfbnvjdafnb.
Mind: Eh? What did he say? WHAT'S DA DELAY?
Man: ...Thank you for your patience.
Mind: OI GET BACK HERE! I DIDN'T HEAR WHAT YOU SAID!
Mind: GURL, this better not make me miss breakfast hour at McDonalds.
#2 WHEN A SMELLY PERSON SITS NEXT TO YOU
Man: Can I sit here please?
Mind: NOPE.
Mouth: Of course.
Mind: Dammit, why are we British too polite?!
Mind: Oh god, he stinks.
Mind: Is my perfume on me? (Rummages through bag, item not found)... NOOOOO!
Mind: Oh my god, am I gonna die? Is this how I die? Suffocation of bad odour?
Mind: The windows aren't open. I'm gonna kill somebody.
Mind: Hold. Your. Breath.
Mind: Why don't they provide oxygen masks on trains like they do on planes? THIS IS AN EMERGENCY SITUATION!
Mind: Is he moving?
Mind: OMG it's his stop!
Mind: But he's left his smell behind.
Mind: NOOOOOO!
#3 WHEN SOMEONE SITS NEXT TO YOU AND FALLS ASLEEP TRAPPING YOU IN
Mind: Aww aren't they cute sleeping?
Mind: Wait, they're sleeping?
Mind: No, no, no don't fall asleep!
Mind: Are they asleep?
Mind: Knew I should've sat on the outside.
Mind: Shall I tap them? Is it rude to wake them up?
Mind: OMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXTOMGMYSTOPISNEXT
Mind: Well, that's final then. I'm off to Scotland.
#4 CARRYING LOTS OF BAGS AFTER SHOPPING AND TRYING TO FIND A SEAT
Mind: Wow, it's busy today.
Mind: Oh god there's so many people.
Mind: Right, easy does it Isobel.
Victim #1: Ow!
Mouth: SORRY!
Mind: Oh god I just hit an old granny! I hope that didn't hurt too much.
(LIFTS BAGS HIGHER)
Victim #2: Oh Jesus! (Moves out of the way)
Mind: Eeek eek sorry, sorry, sorry! Why did I decide to go shopping today?!
(A FOOD TROLLEY COMES ALONG)
Mind: What the fuck, well bitch I ain't moving.
(A FEW SECONDS LATER)
Mind: Ok, I'll move.
#5 NO SEATS/ROOM ON TRAIN SO RESORTED TO STANDING OUTSIDE THE TOILET
Mind: Jeez, I hope no one needs the toilet, they can hold it in right?
Mind: Nope, someone's going in, someone must hate me right now.
(STANDS OUT OF THE WAY, PERSON GOES IN)
(10 MINUTES PASS)
Mind: They've been in there for a while. They better not be doing a shit.
(HEARS THE TOILET FLUSH)
Mind: Oh god hold your breath.
(PERSON COMES OUT LOOKING EMBARRASSED AND WADDLES AWAY)
Mind: They didn't close the door!
Mind: Oh god, I held my breath too early I NEED TO BREATHE
(I LET GO AND STARTING BREATHING)
Mind: OH MY FUCKING GOD IT STINKS! And I can't move on this sardine train!
(SHUTS THE TOILET DOOR, A FEW SECONDS LATER ANOTHER PERSON WALKS IN)
Mind: Yup, someone is really hating on me right now.
#6 WHEN PASSENGERS STARE AT YOU
Mind: Eh? Is that person looking at me?
Mind: Oh dear lord they're looking.
Mind: Do I have something on my face? (Looks at phone quickly) Nope nothing.
Mind: Maybe it's something next to me? (Looks out the window) Nope, just trees.
Mind: Oh dear they're still looking.
Mind: So rude to stare...they can't be British
Mind: Do I stare back? Is this some sort of war going on that I'm not aware of?
Mind: This is a serious case of being a weirdo.
Mind: Fuck it, let's glare back.
Mind: Nope, they haven't budged.
Mind: Maaaaaan, I must be fine looking today (Looks at phone again) Nope that's not it.
Mind: Ok they're still staring. Right that's it. I'm going to say something.
(TRAIN STOPS AND PERSON GETS OFF AT DESTINATION)
Mind: Ok, maybe not.
#7 OVERHEARING A GIRL FLIRTING WITH A BOY
Mind: Mate, this is cringey.
Mind: What is she wearing?
Mind: She's only 16? Don't think she should be wearing a skirt that short.
Mind: Bloke seems alright, reciprocating back to her.
Mind: Oh my god, was that her laugh? Was that her flirty laugh?
Mind: Oh my god, was I like this at 16?
Mind: Jeez, I hope not.
Mind: Oh hang on wait...yeah I think I was.
Mind: Wow, that's embarrassing looking back.
Mind: You what mate? You're into weird shit? Should you be telling a guy this? Should I be listening to this anymore?
Mind: Fuck it, I've got another 10 minutes on this train.
#8 DISLIKE OF USING TRAIN TOILETS
Mind: Oh dear, I really need the toilet...
Mind: Dammit body, why do you want to do a number two at this very moment?! WHY NOT AT HOME?
Mind: Breathe, breathe. It's alright, only an hour on the train.
Mind: But can I really hold it in that long?
Mind: This. Is. Uncomfortable.
Mind: Shall I go to the toilets on the train?
Mind: Hmm, I could go...
Mind: Oh god, what if the train leaves without me?
Mind: Nope. Not going.
#9 WHEN OVERHEARING A TEENS CONVERSATION
Mind: Oh? What are they talking about?
Mind: Fifty Shades? Whipping? Canes?
Mind: Oh bless, they think they know what they're talking about.
Mind: Jeez, why are they so loud? I'm sure the old lady near them doesn't want to hear about butt plugs.
Mind: Or does she? HAHAHAHA.
Mind: Blimey, why are there so many of them?
Mind: Why is that girl trying to sound older by talking about sex out loud?
Mind: She's annoying.
Mind: Stop talking, please. You've probably never touched a willy in your life.
Mind: Oh dear god, the whole carriage is going to know about what you get up to within these 20 minutes.
Mind: Do you know what? Why don't you ask the ticket man whether you can speak over the tannoy, it wouldn't make a difference at the volume you're speaking at.
Mind: Man, I sound grumpy. Am I on my period this week?
Mind: Nope. I'm just hungry. Get me off this train.
#10 SEEING A COUPLE SHOWING PDA
(COUPLE SITS IN TWO SEATER NEAR ME)
Mind: Aww they seem cute.
Mind: Lalalalalalalalalalala....oh looking they're kissing.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW)
Mind: Oh dear, this seems awkward.
(LOOKS BACK)
Mind: Oh wow, they're really going for it and they've only been on the train for a minute.
Mind: Wonder where they are going?
Mind: Shit man, it's like they haven't seen each other in a while.
Mind: Oh my god, why am I looking? QUICK LOOK AT PHONE!
Mind: Do they know I'm here?
Mind: Oh my...
Mind: I hope I'm not part of some voyeurism shit.
Mind: ....Are they still kissing?
Mind: Well. Yup. That's what my eyes see. He's groping her boob. Nope. Boobs. Plural.
Mind: Maybe he was trying to grab her face and it accidentally slipped. I DON'T KNOW IT COULD HAPPEN! I WASN'T WATCHING.
Mind: Eeeek, they're making noises.
(LOOKS OUT THE WINDOW AGAIN)
Mind: Yup, this is what I'm gonna have to do for the rest of the journey.
Mind: Hmm, I wonder what I shall have for lunch.
(GOES THROUGH TUNNEL)
Mind: Oh god the windows have gone black. OMG I can see them in the reflection.
Mind: I CAN'T ESCAPE THEM!
Mind: When this is over, I'm going blog about this shit.
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