Things I've Learnt About Hong Kong Summers So Far

You learn about the local bugs and creatures

Yup, some you knew existed. Others just are like wow, get out of my room, wtf is that, hell no. Newest revelation? Big flying cockroaches. Just wow. It's like God hates us or something. Oh, and they don't die by the way.

You gotta shit quick

Summer's here and boy, that poop better be urgent because you stay in there for more than five minutes, the house is gonna be flooded by your sweat. I'm serious. Unless your bathroom has aircon then good for yooooou.

UK summer clothes vs HK summer clothes
I thought, yes I can wear summer clothes I couldn't wear in UK because it was never hot enough. Oh my god, the weather here is so different. You can't wear tshirts, it has to be either vest tops or nothing. You can't wear certain colours either because sweat will show. 

People stare

So because it's hot, you would think it's appropriate to wear anything short because anything longer you'll end up combusting. People stare like they've never seen an exposed shoulder before, so you can imagine their faces when I walk around with my legs AND my toes out. Jeez. Yes it's summer and yes I am hot, I'm allowed to wear this. Everyone here still wears long sleeves and leggings. I ain't climatised yet fooool.

More sweat equals more spots

Yup, my skin hasn't been happier. Thank goodness - I was worried my skin was getting too clear.

Shower twice a day
I shower at night because I like to be clean before I go to bed. I know some people need it for waking up in the morning or they just somehow transform into something horrendous in the middle of the night or don't shower at night. You really have to shower at night from a day of sweating, and then have a shower in the morning after a night of sweating. Plus new smells have come out since being here. Like ew, what is this. This did not exist back in UK.

Whiter the better

Nearly everyone I see has an umbrella up to prevent sun damage and to preserve their pale skin. And then there's me trying to get a tan. You should see all the whitening products here. 

Speaking of umbrellas

Seriously, whether it's torrential rain or sunny, people with umbrellas up don't give a fuck if they poke your eyeballs out. Nah, it's okay fam, I've got some spare ones back at home. Don't you worry about it. Also, I'm 5ft3 so for the smaller people holding them, I'm the perfect jabbing height.

When it rains, it's pours

UK has signs like drizzling before it definitely plunges down. The UK weather is polite like that. Here, well. The person with the umbrella may have poked you in the eye but you better be besties with them. HK just pours. Oh wait, I guess the ominous clouds is a sign, along with a huge crackle of thunder and then, yeah, good luck mate. It all happens very quickly. What about typhoons? Hahaha, so long buddy.

So you wanna look pretty? Shame
I'm a makeup lover. I love wearing it and experimenting with looks. Since coming here, wow. You need to stock up on humidity resistant products and anything waterproof to protect you from that Level 10 typhoon. Lol, urban decay setting spray to save the day. But seriously, as soon as you step outside for a minute, your makeup will try and run back indoors to cool down. You wanna know what makeup lovers look like in 100% humidity? Check out the matchmaker from Mulan. Shit you not, accurate representation. I'm still gonna pile it on though, I'm persistent.

Mother nature hates your hair

So it'll go two ways, either your hair will go "poooof!" or it'll be dead to the world. Unfortunately, I'm the latter. No amount of hairspray, dry shampoo, grips or backcombing will make my hair look magical in this heat.

Eat things quick or the ants will

So going back to the bugs point, yeah this one is pretty nasty. I don't like bugs and so when ants come into the house, I do not handle it well. I talc the floor and spray everywhere until the bastards suffocate. I really do not like bugs at all even though I know they have an important role in the ecosystem. I just can't. Also if the ants don't, the mould will instead. Eat fast, food sweats too. Oh and I have to use dehumidifying bags too, otherwise my clothes will be the same as the bread.

I don't think I will get used to this summer. One minute I'm in a shop with the aircon blasting, next I'm back out in the 35 degree heat. Then I'm back in another shop and then back out again. My body can't cope.

Things I Say Sorry To

I say sorry to a lot of things. Sometimes because the things that happened were an accident, the other times - not so much. Oops. The important factor is who or what I've said sorry to which has made me question how weird or terrible I am.

Here is a list of things I have said sorry to and their reasons.

1.The table leg, because I thought I kicked a human.

2. The Toy Story 3 'Peas' plushie because they fell down the side of the bed.

3. A Chinese woman on the train because I went to uncross my legs in a crowded area and decided to full on kick her. Accident, of course. I ain't that mean.

4. A hungry bird while eating food because I didn't want to get into trouble for feeding things that poop on us.

5. To a woman for grabbing her t-shirt and hair while I was falling backwards on a moving train. She was the first thing I saw to grab because I panicked.

6. To my grandma for eating the last bun after finally telling me she had never tried those buns before, even though she encouraged me to eat it. Eh? My guilty conscience is bad.

7. This is a bad one, pouring a bit of orange squash over my sister when we were younger because she was annoying me. REALLY AM SORRY FOBO!

8. To a cat because I had to put it down on the ground after cuddling it and it was still purring. 

9. To my cousin for dropping her after she was climbing on me. 

10. To locals in Hong Kong because I don't speak Cantonese. Actually they say sorry to me too for not speaking English which shouldn't be the case.

11. To anyone I'm speaking to before my phone battery dies.

12. To people I'm walking with in a group because I've got little legs and I'm slow. But seriously, they need to slow their long legs down. Tiny over here can't keep up.

13. To my boyfriend because I didn't feel like having sex - for the third day in a row...

14. To family and friends because I'm not drinking alcohol on a night out...or enough of it

15. My eyelids after pinching the skin with an eyelash curler.

I'm sure there are plenty more but for now, this is all I can remember. You get the gist, I say it to random objects and people. To be honest, I sound really clumsy.

Growing Up In An Asian Family.

Growing up with Asians is quite something. It's a love/hate thing going on. They're family after all but if you want to survive, here are some heads up.

If you're not Asian, this will be an insight.

• Make sure you don't go deaf. Asians may be small, but never underestimate the size of their lungs.

• When you think they're shouting, they're actually speaking on normal volume.

• You will definitely get the "doctor/lawyer" talk. 

• Obey your mother. You do not want to release the angry Asian mother.

• If you don't, you will get disciplined aka The Slipper

• Family will slag you off. 

• Family will insult you in front of your face. Good thing is, it makes you build a thicker skin. Why you so fat? Why you so skinny? Why you so stupid? Why you so ugly?

• Don't have a pencil sharpener? Grandma will use a knife cut away at the ends.

• You will eat rice with EVERYTHING.

• Your family will arrange for you to meet a "potential" partner.

• If you don't have kids or aren't married, you still receive red packets (money).

• Beware when explaining to your family that you want to date someone out of your race e.g. white/black

• You will never get a birthday party until you graduate university. 

• Everyone will get the bowl cut experience.

• Forced to listen to Chinese opera music.

• Forced to watch Cantonese TV drama.

• Forced to watch every cooking show. 

• But you'll love their game shows.

• Made to work in your parent's takeaway as soon as you pop out of the womb.

• You will know every single dish off the takeaway menu in Chinese.

• Learn to use the chopsticks, otherwise you dishonour your cow.

• If you're a girl, you're not a allowed a boyfriend until you get into university.

• Don't want to the typical Asian look? Avoid: fanny packs, white trainers, the peace sign  pose, glasses, carrying a bag of fruit - just never leave the house.

• The home phone will never stop ringing.

• You will have to give your grandparents or any elder in the house back massages. When I say massages, I mean they like punches to the back. Helps them somehow...

• Constant noise of family clearing their throat. Not pleasant.

• DURIAN!!! THAT IS ALL!!!

• Their love is cold, hard love.

• Never walk around the house with shoes on. You will get slapped.

Have any experiences that I haven't mentioned? Comment below!

Being A Teenager Was Hard.

When I think of a 'teenager', I think of my sister. She's the typical stereotype: stroppy, anti-social in family gatherings, selfie obsessed, "whatever" - the list can go on.

I was definitely this kind of teen.

Being a teenager - you think your life is over. FOREVER! I HATE YOU! Yeah, that era. 

You are landed with so many expectations - be popular, get good grades, look amazing, have loads of friends, have every social networking platform on game as well as your eyebrows. It's a wonder how they ever sleep at night.

Seriously though, everything needs to be spot on. 

My sister is going through the phase of being "mean" and trying to look older. Jail bait. I really hated that phase because I look back now and realise how stupid I looked.

It feels like bitchy/mean girls run the world from the ages of 12-16. After that, you realise they ain't shit. You are. They don't run your life. You do. Sure they can call you ugly or fat or whatever they think is "cool", they're nasty at the end of the day. 

With trying to look older, who are you trying to impress? When I was younger, I was trying to impress guys. My parents said that I was "mature", but no one has fun being mature. I'm the opposite now. It's hilarious seeing my sister trying to act 18 when in reality, she's only just come out of the womb. 

It also seems like as a teen that looks are E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

If you are a teenager, then please - stay looking young as long as possible. Time flies and you'll look back realising how much time you wasted trying to be "cool" or putting menial things at the top of your list. 

Another tip I will give is listen to your parents. GOD I KNOW! SUCH A CHORE! But your parents were teens once (duh!) and they will want to give you as much wisdom as possible. They may shout at you but they do it out of love (and also because you're being a right fucking pain in the bum). 

This can be one of the greatest times of your life but can also be the worst. You'll be okay though if you have the right people around. 

Good luck!

Tips When Out In Public.

There are some things we do at home, that we tend to avoid out in public but sometimes it cannot be helped. Or we get caught in situations in public that needs rescuing subtly. 
Here are tips if it ever happens.

1) Toilet
Let's face it, we don't like any bathrooms that isn't ours. When a poop needs to come out and you do not have time to run home, go to the cubicle in the deepest end of the toilets (because who walks that far to poop?) or a cubicle near a hand dryer. For those who worry about being "heard", the hand dryer would mask the sound of the plopping. A bonus would be both! Also, would be a good idea to have some perfume on you too. If you don't have any, don't worry - the girls probably saw you walk in and told everyone to evacuate the building. 

2) Pulling A Push Door And Vice Versa
Just walk in like it didn't happen. If anything, they probably never noticed you coming through that door. You're that special. 

3) Opinions
Everyone has one and sometimes they're not useful. It's best to keep the opinions to yourself when out in public if case you end up offending someone. If your friend is being opinionated, get some duct tape and tape that bitch down to the ground and then walk away. They must look like they've been mummified, in order for their punishment to be acceptable. 

4) Farting
It's the 'Who Done It?" game. If you can walk and "talk", let it out slowly and walk away from the fart. 

If you're a lift which is the worst/best place to do it. To do this, let it out slowly and if it smells (trust me it will), give it a second and then cover your hand over your nose - it'll seem like you're blaming it on whoever is in the lift. 

Pull some facial expressions at the same time if you want. They won't suspect it's you. Unless you have a child right next to your bum - then fart on him until they pass out. 

When the lift journey is over, your acting skills would be Oscar worthy. 

5) Dropping Cutlery In A Restaurant
Clumsy moments will happen and when it does, it's dropping a knife or fork and it doesn't happen quietly. When it occurs, blame it on the kid on the next table. 

6) Feeling So Full You Want To Burst
Why does being fancy-pancy restrict us from being who we are? Unbutton that bitch and let that belly flow. 

7) Food In Your Teeth
Do it Asian style, get a toothpick and rummage for the tasty treats lurking in your mouth in front of everybody. Yayyyy.