Growing Up In An Asian Family.

Growing up with Asians is quite something. It's a love/hate thing going on. They're family after all but if you want to survive, here are some heads up.

If you're not Asian, this will be an insight.

• Make sure you don't go deaf. Asians may be small, but never underestimate the size of their lungs.

• When you think they're shouting, they're actually speaking on normal volume.

• You will definitely get the "doctor/lawyer" talk. 

• Obey your mother. You do not want to release the angry Asian mother.

• If you don't, you will get disciplined aka The Slipper

• Family will slag you off. 

• Family will insult you in front of your face. Good thing is, it makes you build a thicker skin. Why you so fat? Why you so skinny? Why you so stupid? Why you so ugly?

• Don't have a pencil sharpener? Grandma will use a knife cut away at the ends.

• You will eat rice with EVERYTHING.

• Your family will arrange for you to meet a "potential" partner.

• If you don't have kids or aren't married, you still receive red packets (money).

• Beware when explaining to your family that you want to date someone out of your race e.g. white/black

• You will never get a birthday party until you graduate university. 

• Everyone will get the bowl cut experience.

• Forced to listen to Chinese opera music.

• Forced to watch Cantonese TV drama.

• Forced to watch every cooking show. 

• But you'll love their game shows.

• Made to work in your parent's takeaway as soon as you pop out of the womb.

• You will know every single dish off the takeaway menu in Chinese.

• Learn to use the chopsticks, otherwise you dishonour your cow.

• If you're a girl, you're not a allowed a boyfriend until you get into university.

• Don't want to the typical Asian look? Avoid: fanny packs, white trainers, the peace sign  pose, glasses, carrying a bag of fruit - just never leave the house.

• The home phone will never stop ringing.

• You will have to give your grandparents or any elder in the house back massages. When I say massages, I mean they like punches to the back. Helps them somehow...

• Constant noise of family clearing their throat. Not pleasant.

• DURIAN!!! THAT IS ALL!!!

• Their love is cold, hard love.

• Never walk around the house with shoes on. You will get slapped.

Have any experiences that I haven't mentioned? Comment below!

Being A Teenager Was Hard.

When I think of a 'teenager', I think of my sister. She's the typical stereotype: stroppy, anti-social in family gatherings, selfie obsessed, "whatever" - the list can go on.

I was definitely this kind of teen.

Being a teenager - you think your life is over. FOREVER! I HATE YOU! Yeah, that era. 

You are landed with so many expectations - be popular, get good grades, look amazing, have loads of friends, have every social networking platform on game as well as your eyebrows. It's a wonder how they ever sleep at night.

Seriously though, everything needs to be spot on. 

My sister is going through the phase of being "mean" and trying to look older. Jail bait. I really hated that phase because I look back now and realise how stupid I looked.

It feels like bitchy/mean girls run the world from the ages of 12-16. After that, you realise they ain't shit. You are. They don't run your life. You do. Sure they can call you ugly or fat or whatever they think is "cool", they're nasty at the end of the day. 

With trying to look older, who are you trying to impress? When I was younger, I was trying to impress guys. My parents said that I was "mature", but no one has fun being mature. I'm the opposite now. It's hilarious seeing my sister trying to act 18 when in reality, she's only just come out of the womb. 

It also seems like as a teen that looks are E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

If you are a teenager, then please - stay looking young as long as possible. Time flies and you'll look back realising how much time you wasted trying to be "cool" or putting menial things at the top of your list. 

Another tip I will give is listen to your parents. GOD I KNOW! SUCH A CHORE! But your parents were teens once (duh!) and they will want to give you as much wisdom as possible. They may shout at you but they do it out of love (and also because you're being a right fucking pain in the bum). 

This can be one of the greatest times of your life but can also be the worst. You'll be okay though if you have the right people around. 

Good luck!

Things People Say To Me Because I'm Chinese: Part One.

I forget sometimes that I'm Chinese because I have other things on my mind, which is why it's lovely to have people point it a lot *sarcasm*. Here are some classics I have encountered throughout my 22 years. Some are hilarious, others you think 'WTF?'

#1 
Friend: What's Szechuan Chicken?

Me: Um, I don't know.

Friend: But you own a takeaway?

Me: We don't sell it there.

Friend: Oh, you're useless then.

Me: .....

#2
Me: To be honest, I'm not that good at Maths.

Friend: But you're Chinese?

#3
Friend: Urgh, why are you dipping toast in hot chocolate?

Me: Because it's tasty.

Friend: Is that a Chinese thing you do?

Me: No, it's French. 

#4
Me: (Finished talking on the phone to my family in Chinese/Hakka)

Friend: Were you speaking in Chinese?

Me: Yes.

Friend: Oh, thought it didn't sound like English. What were you saying like ching-chong wah chong?

Me: .....(That's not how Chinese sounds)

#5
Random person: Are you related to Jackie Chan?

#6
Friend: Why are your eyes so big?

#7
Random person I just met: Also, I know a bit of Tai Chi and Kung Fu.

Me: Um, I don't do that, sorry. (Again, not related to Jackie Chan).

#8
Friend: ISOBEL! You're Chinese!

Me: (Very observant)

#9 
Vietnamese girl: Hi, where are you from?

Me: Devon.

VG: No, I mean originally.

Me: Well my grandparents are from Hong Kong.

VG: Oh, cool. I have friends from Hong Kong. 

Me: Oh, that's nice.

We stop talking.

#10
Friend: No offence but those ramen noodles don't look nice, which is why I don't fancy Chinese men either.

Me: Um, I'm a bit confused, how does the food and men link together??

#11
Me: So I ordered steak with Diane sauce but I didn't realise it had mushrooms in it.

Friend: You don't like mushrooms?

Me: No.

Friend: But you're Chinese? You're supposed to like mushrooms? I thought that was the stereotype that Chinese people like mushrooms?

Me: (First time I've ever heard of that one).

#12
Friend: What does this say?

Me: (Looks at Chinese character they're pointing at). Don't know. I can't read Chinese.

Friend: Oh. How are you even properly Chinese?

#13 
(Dad comes back with sausage and chips takeaway through the shop)

Customer: You guys eat sausage and chips?! I thought you only eat Chinese food because you're Chinese?

Me: (Well what about you? You're English and you're about to eat Chinese food).

#14
Person: Can you teach me some Chinese?

#15
Jehovah Witness: (Starts speaking to me in Mandarin).

Me: Sorry I don't speak Mandarin.

JW: (Carries on speaking in Mandarin).

Me:......

#16
And then there's the boyfriend.

Boyfriend: I was in town earlier and saw a black guy and a white girl holding hands, and I thought "You don't see many interracial relationships around here" and then I remembered that I was in one.

Me: *Face Palm*

At the end of the day, you can't take these comments seriously. Some of them you have to laugh at because of how ridiculous they are. 

People don't think before they speak, or they expect you to know everything from your culture. It does test you sometimes because you can't believe what you had just heard. It's usually the same comments and they mean no harm. 

I've had this for most of my life and so have my family members. You just think they're either curious or just plain dumb. 

PS friends who say these - I know they mean no malice, it's curiosity. Plus, these comments make really good content.

PART TWO WILL BE SOON.