Dear Diary: The One With The Back Pain.

So for about a week now, I have had really bad lower back pain. Like, awful. To the point where I can't bend, put on my socks, my knickers properly or sit like a human being. 

I had back pain last year. Doctor said I apparently slipped a disc or tore a liagament. Still not sure because when I told the nurses at Minor Injuries, they said I would need an ultra scan to see if that was true or it had happened again. Oh yeah, went to MIU on Saturday 19th Sept because my back was that bad. I thought my back was getting better because I could bend enough to put up something halfway but that morning - my god. Usually I would roll out of bed if my back is bad and then sit up. Rolling to my side hurt me a lot and then sitting put pressure on my lower back which killed. Then I tried standing up but I fell to the ground. My back felt like it was going to collapse. I sat on my knees on the floor for about 15 minutes. I tried to pull myself up on the bed but it was too painful. 

Oh forgot to say, I did my back in while I was cleaning and trying to lift up rice. Massive rice cooker pot and yeah, ended it for me. Cyal8er, posture. 

Anyway, that day I was in charge of roast dinner while my parents went out so it was me, Phoebe, my great aunt and cousin. After trying to get up to go down wasn't easy. I couldn't even wipe my butt after the toilet. I started crying, not just because of the pain but because I felt so useless. After that, trying to put my clothes on was hard. I burst out crying again, phoned Phoebe and she helped me get dressed. 

Got down to the kitchen, got roast cooking and I was not good. My cousin told me at midday to go to the hospital with my great aunt. I was too stubborn to go. I waited until after dinner. I had lost my appetite for the past few days. Tasha (employee and friend) came for dinner with us and I asked her to take me to the MIU and she gladly took me and waited with me. Really appreciate her for doing that. I don't like asking favours but I wouldn't have been able to walk up.

Saw the nurses and they gave me some painkillers to help control the pain. Tried to sit on the bed - no luck, I cried. They sent me across the hall to see Devon doctors. We waited at the hospital for a good 2 hrs. Due to lack of staff, MIU closed at 6pm so we were the last patients to see. I stood up for that time because hurting would have made me stiff. He waddled over to the room and he touched my spine and back. He asked Tasha to touch my back and she said one side was hard as a brick and the other was soft as a pillow. Asked him why and he said one side was compensating for the other. He told me I have severe muscle spasm, so I wonder if I had the same last year but then again, my grandmother said she pushed something in last year when she was massaging it. 

He's given me some codeine and also laxatives because apparently the meds make you bunged up so that's nice. 

TODAY: 21st Sept - I was expecting my back to kill like it has been most mornings but I stood up fine. I have no idea what Saturday was about. I still have to move about because I get stiff easily and I can't sit for too long. I've been taking the codeine but I don't feel it kick in until much later. It just feels more like nerve damage which is why I thought it was sciatica again like last year but who knows. 

Can you imagine my back when I'm pregnant? Jeez. 

Dear Diary: The One Where Peter Visited

Peter visited me a couple of weeks ago for more than a week. I really did miss him a lot. I was looking forward to his presence. I even cleaned the bathroom before he came. Actually, I clean the bathroom anyway but I did it a day before he came so I could make a good impression...with my bathroom. I've just realised he wouldn't care anyway.

I met him at the station. First thing I said to him when he got off the train was, "Goddamn you need a haircut!". It had really grown out since May and it looked awful, but I was happy to see him despite me telling him off. Oh, and he didn't forget his phone last time. The time before, he left his phone on the train and it was never seen ever again. Silly boy.

Thing is, when he did come down, I was mostly working downstairs in the kitchen so I was annoyed that I couldn't spend that limited time with him. When he was down, I would shout at him to say GET OUT OF MA WAAAAY! because ya know, he was in the way of the fridge where the foods are. So I was a nightmare and I bet he was bored out of his mind because there's nothing to do in Honiton. Felt so bad.

When we did go somewhere or wanted to go somewhere nice, we either had to take the train or bus but that one day we wanted to go out - it was a bank holiday. Not much was running. This is when I would get frustrated with myself because I can legally drive but don't have a car, so I'm stuck and plus, I'm trying to save money for house or job or whatever.

Another thing was that I kept telling him off but my patience has worn thin now for some reason. Although he was pretty annoying. Most of the time, actually, ALL OF THE TIME, he would follow me everywhere. Follow me to the bathroom. To the toilet. To the kitchen. It was like having a puppy. Sweet but oh dear. My family members would watch him follow me and then look at me with a scowl on my face. They found it sweet but I was like DON'T CHU DARE. I think I got fed up that he wouldn't go anywhere independently. Or unintentionally, he would be in my way and I tell him to move so I could go somewhere and he would awkwardly run in the direction of where I was going. Sigh. 

Even though my patience is not exactly there anymore, I still love him. He was annoying and I could've killed him but I didn't feel like kicking him out. If I couldn't deal with him, I would have. With my last ex-boyfriend, he planned to stay with me for a month while his family moved house and after about a week or two, he drove me absolutely nuts! I kicked him out to his dads. But with Peter, it was different because I could stand him - for some reason. It shows how much patience I have left for this one. 

Right, I've read this through - yeah, I sound like a moany old cow but I do love him. FOR REALS. Anyway, I was upset that he left to go back home but at least I had the bed to myself again. Apparently I kept going diagonally and he had to keep moving me back. Naaah bitch, that's my side too. 

Peter, if you read this, please luff meh still. 

UPDATE: On Skin Condition

If you read my blogs, you would know about my skin condition on my hands and legs.

The tablets I received from the doctor in Hong Kong were a bunch of anti-allergy tablets and a set of steroid tablets. Obviously I couldn't take them for long due to side effects, but at least they worked for a while.

So I kept searching the Internet and I came across a blog post saying the exact condition I have and that he also went to various doctors. Even trekking to China for herbal remedies and steroid tablets. 

He said he bought some Milk Thistle vitamin tablets because apparently the condition is caused by the liver. So I thought fuck it, I'll take it. I would try anything to get rid of it. I've been taking it for more than three weeks now and it seems to have worked. 

Usually my skin would clear up for a week, then the blisters would come back, pop and then deep crackers would appear and take a long time to heal. During that time, I would be wearing gloves for everything. 

My hands so far have been okay. I've had the odd spot come up but then they go away the next day. I've also been using coconut oil to moisturise my hands because creams don't last long enough or go deep enough. 

So I wonder now if I should get my liver checked?

Should I Apply For The Great British Bake Off?

Not because I'm amazing at baking - it's because I am the worst.

Well, sort of. Whenever I bake, it's 50/50. Could turn out great, could turn out really bad. If it goes well, it's a surprise. 

I would probably provide a bit of entertainment. I would be shocked if I made it past the first week. I can imagine it already, my parent's placing bets to see how much I would fudge up.

Hmm, I'm thinking about it - maybe not. 

Do I Want To Be Married With Kids Before 30?

To answer this, I don't know. I would like to I think but I don't see it happening. To be honest, I don't know what the future holds.

Your 20s are supposed to be the fun years. The 30s are for settling. And 40s, are....well, I'm not sure yet. 

In most cultures (especially Asian), family would like the woman to be married by 30 and producing babies. 

I wouldn't mind going towards this goal, but I don't know whether it's realistic. I want my eggs to be nice and bouncing. Fertile. 

But then again, do I need to be married before having kids? There are a lot of parents who aren't married but have children together and they seem fine. Although, marriage means you're in it for the long run legally. There's also signs that the couple is cohabiting, have a house, jobs, money and love. 

Another reason I would want this goal to be true is for the grandparents. They're getting quite old now and I would love for them to be at the wedding and for them to be alive when I have children. Will they be here for another 8 years? Anything could happen. 

All I can do it take it day by day. I would love to see what my life planner is but people don't like to with tempt fate. 

Are You Okay? Yes, It's Just My Face.

Isobel, are you okay? You look confused? Are you sad? Are you happy? Am I annoying you? 

Guys, no need to worry. It really is just my face. I will always have a confused/worried expression planted on my face. 

It's equivalent to the 'bitch face', they may look like they're about to set your house on fire but really, they're actually pretty happy inside. 

Also, you will know if I'm grumpy or any other emotion. 

Are You Even Listening To Me?

Ever been in the situation where you're waiting for the "right" time to speak and then when you've just started speaking, someone interrupts you and starts their own bloody conversation. 

Yeah, my life.

It can get tiring repeating everything you've just said because the other person wasn't listening. It doesn't make it seem worth it because they'll probably won't listen again. It can be awkward when you do say everything, and then no one actually replies or ignores you. Doesn't it just make you feel uninteresting?

Either that, someone has to interrupt my conversation, start a new topic and everyone else focuses on that instead. I feel like giving up. It's rude. 

I end up not talking most of the time and just listen. 

I Am Not A Morning Person.

I wish I was a morning person. I would love to see the sun rise. Have breakfast at the appropriate hour. Spend my day being productive. 

But I'm not. I'm more of an owl. My mind works better at night. Inspiration hits me when I'm about to sleep and I start writing. 

When I have woken early in the morning, it's either by accident, I need to be somewhere or I'm on holiday. I think that is the only time I've seen the sunrise is on holiday and it is quite a view. 

Coffee doesn't work either. I love the taste of coffee but it doesn't wake me up. 

I think I take after my mother - she never used to wake up enough to take me to school so my dad had to take me.

Is IHateMorningtitus (yes, I've made that up) hereditary? 

I'm very grumpy and I would end up tired and taking a nap in the early evening.

I find it confusing when I hear people say they had a lie-in until 9am. WHAT? That's a lie-in to you? NOOOO?! My heart breaks everytime I think about it. 

Silence Is Bliss.

I think I'm an introvert. I like my peace, I have no issue being alone and I like silence - it helps clear the mind and makes you think.

According to some extroverts I know, they need to be in the room full of people to get their energy and constantly talking. 

I'm the opposite. I like mingling with people but after a while, I prefer to sit in a quiet(er) room and eat the party snacks. I think I also prefer listening to people talking than doing the actual talking - I like trying to figure out what kind of person they are. Plus, I get my energy from being on my own - a good thing about this is that I wouldn't need to rely on people.

Here's a list of things introverts do (well, what I do):

• I get happy when plans are cancelled. YAY! Stay in pyjama day!
• I like doing nothing.
• Happy not talking to anyone all day.
• Get really excited when the house is empty.
• I like doing things by myself e.g. shopping, walking around town, walking to class, going to a coffee shop, having dinner by yourself.
• Having a big imagination.
• Being quiet - then people think you're either sad or dead.
• Happy not leaving the house for days.

Sometimes I don't want to talk to certain people because maybe they don't interest me. Sometimes they talk poop and I like to shut my ears away. 

There are so many rules to social etiquette and there will always be someone who thinks you haven't got any because they think you're being rude. But in reality, you're just shy or awkward.

"When in doubt, don't go out."

My Chinese Is Rusty.

I speak Hakka and live in the UK but since everyone has moved out of the country to Asia, my Chinese is very rusty. I'm not that great anyway so imagine when I start talking to a relative and they don't know what you're saying. I wouldn't know either, don't worry.

I've been learning Mandarin for the past year and I'm hoping to pick up on Cantonese. Making my language total to 4. 

I just need a bunch of time. 

HELP. 

Scheduling Blog Posts

I find scheduling posts really useful. All these posts that you see or will be seeing until end of August were written back in March. I thought I was going to be on placement so I decided to write in bulk so I wouldn't forget. That's also one of the reasons why the posts are so short. 

Of course I've forgotten I've written posts. Only knew when someone comments or shares it. Rarely though.

I'll need to do it again come August. 

That's a point, I need to update the other blog... 

I Still Get ID'D For Lottery...

In the UK, the age you are allowed to buy lottery tickets is 16. I'm 22. I still get asked for proof. 

I blame the Asian gene. We look young when we could be at least 40 years old. 

Back at home, I went to buy some scratch cards for my Great Aunt and the guy at the check out till (who was younger than me) asked me for my ID card. Showed him my driver's license, and he was surprised at my age. Think I was a year older than him. I said to him, 'I bet you thought I looked 14' and he was like, 'No, more like 18'

.....wert?.....

The legal age is 16 and you thought I was 18. WHY DID YOOOU ID MEH?!

Anyway, I'm short as well which doesn't help, since most 13-year-olds are taller and bigger than me. 

I don't smoke or take drugs, rarely drink alcohol and I go make up free. I'm fudged. 

 

Growing Up In An Asian Family.

Growing up with Asians is quite something. It's a love/hate thing going on. They're family after all but if you want to survive, here are some heads up.

If you're not Asian, this will be an insight.

• Make sure you don't go deaf. Asians may be small, but never underestimate the size of their lungs.

• When you think they're shouting, they're actually speaking on normal volume.

• You will definitely get the "doctor/lawyer" talk. 

• Obey your mother. You do not want to release the angry Asian mother.

• If you don't, you will get disciplined aka The Slipper

• Family will slag you off. 

• Family will insult you in front of your face. Good thing is, it makes you build a thicker skin. Why you so fat? Why you so skinny? Why you so stupid? Why you so ugly?

• Don't have a pencil sharpener? Grandma will use a knife cut away at the ends.

• You will eat rice with EVERYTHING.

• Your family will arrange for you to meet a "potential" partner.

• If you don't have kids or aren't married, you still receive red packets (money).

• Beware when explaining to your family that you want to date someone out of your race e.g. white/black

• You will never get a birthday party until you graduate university. 

• Everyone will get the bowl cut experience.

• Forced to listen to Chinese opera music.

• Forced to watch Cantonese TV drama.

• Forced to watch every cooking show. 

• But you'll love their game shows.

• Made to work in your parent's takeaway as soon as you pop out of the womb.

• You will know every single dish off the takeaway menu in Chinese.

• Learn to use the chopsticks, otherwise you dishonour your cow.

• If you're a girl, you're not a allowed a boyfriend until you get into university.

• Don't want to the typical Asian look? Avoid: fanny packs, white trainers, the peace sign  pose, glasses, carrying a bag of fruit - just never leave the house.

• The home phone will never stop ringing.

• You will have to give your grandparents or any elder in the house back massages. When I say massages, I mean they like punches to the back. Helps them somehow...

• Constant noise of family clearing their throat. Not pleasant.

• DURIAN!!! THAT IS ALL!!!

• Their love is cold, hard love.

• Never walk around the house with shoes on. You will get slapped.

Have any experiences that I haven't mentioned? Comment below!

Stop Judging My Food.

I grew up with a Chinese background and like any other Asian, we have eaten some weird stuff. Some taste good. Others..NOPE! But I'm a BBC (British Born Chinese), so growing up as a Chinese person in a Western culture - it makes people question what you eat. 

I have been at university for three years now. Finished. And during my time, I have encountered many people looking displeased over my meal. It wouldn't be anything strange either - sometimes a bowl of ramen noodles. 

But so many have judged and said unnecessary comments before I had even started eating my food. BITCH DON'T DISTURB MY ME TIME. All I wanted to do was eat in peace and enjoy my foods. Why was it so hard to ask? Why did people have to open their mouths and think they were being useful by pointing out something moot?

People will judge food on its look and smell, but will never try it. How do they know it's not goddamn tasty? 

"Ermaagherd, like, ew. I knoooow it's nasty. It looks like a bag of worms."

Well then. More for me. 

It's their loss. If they're like this over food, imagine someone else's culture. Are they not going to accept that too? Heck, food is culture. 

They can't keep being close-minded, otherwise they won't experience anything new. OR ANYTHING AT ALL. 

They can't go to a new country and start insulting their food and culture. They'll get more than they bargained in their "chicken burger".  

Some need to have respect for other people and think before they speak. 

Stop ruining my meal. It's my food, not yours. 

Why Am I Excusing Myself For Being Slim?

I'm 5ft 3". My waist is 25". I weigh roughly about 8 stone - but I eat so much!

Family, friends and strangers ask/say me:

How are you so skinny?
Where does it all go?
You don't even do any exercise, how are you that shape?
Look how small your jeans are!
I wish I was as skinny as you.
When will you get fat?
IS THAT FOOD ALL FOR YOU?!

And my answer is I don't know. I often feel quite uncomfortable when placed in that position because all eyes are on me and I can feel their question burning through. 

I guess high metabolism? I think I take after my father. Well, that's what my mother said to me anyway. 

I can't really say I'm a growing girl either because I stopped growing at 16. I'm a shortie. 

When I'm in that situation, it makes me feel guilty for being this size so I sometimes try and make the other person feel better by saying I'll get fat one day. 

I need to respond better. I can't say it's my metabolism to them otherwise I will get the evils - even though that's the truth. 

Also, I'm not really fond of the word "skinny" - I feel it has a bad connotation attached to it now because it's used in a negative light, like in the examples above. 

I just want to eat in peace without being questioned as to where it goes. 

Um, the toilet? 

Opinions.

I express myself through blogging. Not so much vlogging - I can hardly speak properly so no luck there.

Some find my blogs interesting. Some don't like what I say. Some have asked me to delete blog posts. I say NOPE! 

Never let anyone dictate what you write. Unless you've written something really offensive then yeah, majority vote.

I normally write about my life. It's what I know well so why not write about it. 

It's going to be the cliche, "If you don't like it, don't read it." But it's true though. If you don't like it, goooo awaaaaay. 

Dealing With Negativity.

When I was younger, if someone insulted me or was being very negative towards me - I didn't know how to deal with it. 

No one tells you how to handle bad things that come your way. I think I used to bottle it up and not talk to anyone about it.

The way I handle it now in through blogging. It can be so much to process when you get annoyed or angry or someone is being just plain shitty. I like writing things down. It gives me a clearer picture of everything because it's right there in front of me. 

When it's in your head, it's all over the place. One thing you think about would clash with another and then for some reason remember what they said 7 years ago which wouldn't have anything to do with it. Basically, you become emotional. 

I do let out a cry now and again. Actually, ever since being placed on the Pill - I have become such an emotional wreck. I can cry over someone getting me the wrong McMuffin meal. It's that simple. 

I guess this is my very public diary. Many would say to ignore it completely. I do, do that but I must let it out first, otherwise it'll be built up inside me all the time. It's a nice time to reflect as well. 

PS You ever upset me, you're going on here.

Being A Teenager Was Hard.

When I think of a 'teenager', I think of my sister. She's the typical stereotype: stroppy, anti-social in family gatherings, selfie obsessed, "whatever" - the list can go on.

I was definitely this kind of teen.

Being a teenager - you think your life is over. FOREVER! I HATE YOU! Yeah, that era. 

You are landed with so many expectations - be popular, get good grades, look amazing, have loads of friends, have every social networking platform on game as well as your eyebrows. It's a wonder how they ever sleep at night.

Seriously though, everything needs to be spot on. 

My sister is going through the phase of being "mean" and trying to look older. Jail bait. I really hated that phase because I look back now and realise how stupid I looked.

It feels like bitchy/mean girls run the world from the ages of 12-16. After that, you realise they ain't shit. You are. They don't run your life. You do. Sure they can call you ugly or fat or whatever they think is "cool", they're nasty at the end of the day. 

With trying to look older, who are you trying to impress? When I was younger, I was trying to impress guys. My parents said that I was "mature", but no one has fun being mature. I'm the opposite now. It's hilarious seeing my sister trying to act 18 when in reality, she's only just come out of the womb. 

It also seems like as a teen that looks are E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G.

If you are a teenager, then please - stay looking young as long as possible. Time flies and you'll look back realising how much time you wasted trying to be "cool" or putting menial things at the top of your list. 

Another tip I will give is listen to your parents. GOD I KNOW! SUCH A CHORE! But your parents were teens once (duh!) and they will want to give you as much wisdom as possible. They may shout at you but they do it out of love (and also because you're being a right fucking pain in the bum). 

This can be one of the greatest times of your life but can also be the worst. You'll be okay though if you have the right people around. 

Good luck!

The Eyebrow Dilemma.

When I was 11, my eyebrows used to be very bushy.

Good bushy because I could shape them, but having facials for over 10 years, it's affected my eyebrows.

They're an odd shape now and I wish I stopped my beauty therapist from waxing anymore but I trusted her to know what shape fitted me. 

Luckily my eyebrows are black but because I'm Chinese, you can see each individual eyebrow hair. They're not perfectly meshed together. My boyfriend has amazing eyebrows - shape and a good amount.

I never dare to colour them in and wear it out because every time I attempt, they look like a pair of slugs and I've even asked my sister to draw them on like she does with hers and nothing looks good. Trust me, it does not look natural. 

BEFORE

 AFTER

I've been trying to let my eyebrows grow again because I don't want to end up with over plucked eyebrows which is what plenty of girls have done to themselves. Because of this, they end up drawing hideous ones that cover most of their forehead. It makes you question where they got their inspiration from.

In the end, I am no professional and my eyebrows cannot be saved. They curve like a bracket, therefore I will never colour them in. 

Who Likes Confrontations?

Er, not me.

I don't know how some people do it. How do people have the heart and balls to confront somebody, without getting nervous?

I've only done it a couple of times and the times that I have, my blood was boiling. I would have to be angry or very very annoyed. But other than that, I'm quite laid back. 

Sometimes I think that these people do not deserve my time for me to get angry about but at the same time, they need to hear some truths. 

The ones who confront people often (especially face-to-face) are quite scary. I wouldn't know what to say to somebody. I would probably freeze, say a few words that don't make sense and then walk away. Then seconds later, I would have the perfect response but of course it's too late. 

Why brain why.

Confrontation isn't a great way to communicate but some things need to be said. My heart beats too fast for it to be a smooth face-off. 

Timing is everything as well, and also the location. 

Others who like confrontations do it to be intimidating or shit stirring. 

Run, Rex, Run!

Annoying Skin Condition.

I've had skin problems all of my life. I had eczema for ten years until the age of 12 and now I've got it again. Except nothing is healing it.

I've apparently got psoriasis on my legs which has left weepy marks and dark blotches, but thankfully it will fade in time so my legs aren't scarred. 

With my fingers, I have pomphoylx. These affect me the most. Hands are being used everyday so you can't let it properly heal. Watery blisters appear, they pop and sometimes crack into really sore wounds. So many plasters have been used to cover my fingers. 

It hurts when I write. It hurts when I type on the computer. I have to wear gloves when I wash my hair, in case it irritates my hands and also with cooking too. Waaaaa. 

My hands used to be my best feature. I had really nice nails but now a couple of them are dented and growing out all bumpy. Skin is all wrinkly now. 

What I miss is painting my nails. I could but if I wanted to take it off, the nail polish remover would sting so much! 

Apparently my grandmother is going to take me to a skin specialist in Hong Kong - hopefully they'll give me some natural remedies or something. I'll try anything to stop my skin breaking out so badly.

My dermo doctor said that sometimes my skin condition can be caused by stress. Can't be cured, only controlled. So yeah, I'm fudged. 

Using My Phone In Public.

It's a really bizarre feeling when you're not on your phone and um, everyone else is. 

It's like they're zombies, except they're not after your brains and they constantly bump into you or stand there like a numpty. And I wonder, do I do that??

When I see everyone on their phones out in public, I instantly put my away if it's out. Candy Crush Soda can wait until later.

I feel it can be embarrassing because you're all doing to the same activity. 

When was the last time people actually spoke to each other? I don't think I've look someone in the eye in a long time. Apart from my boyfriend, I stare into his eyes. 

EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. 

Jokes. I'm normally asleep before him. He would stare at me instead when I'm sleeping. 

I go into a cafe, a park, walk through town, be in a classroom - everyone is the same. It's like our phones have us under hypnosis. My mother is a victim. And my father. They cannot be away from their phones. They get the shakes. 

What we've been doing recently when we have dinner out is put our phones in the middle of the table. Good idea tbh. Only because my mother likes to go on her phone, we tell her to get off it because it's rude and she replies with, 'Why, what are we going to talk about?' and carries on talking to her friends online. You'd think she was a teenager. We don't know what to say to that response, just can't believe she says it. 

WE FAMILY! WE TALK ABOUT ANYTHING!

*sigh* Ah well. 

YouTube Comments Are Mean.

I am an avid watcher on YouTube. 

I've been on YouTube since 2007 and the comment section recently is shocking. The YouTube community is meant to be full of support and love but it really isn't the case anymore.

Young YouTubers such as Zoella and PointlessBlogTV - they get hate. They let people over the Internet have an insight into their private lives and what do they do in return? Judgement.

With Zoella, she left the Internet for a few days because it was getting too much. She released a book then admitted that she had a ghost writer and then people started bashing her. I can understand why these haters can be so overwhelming and just bad for YouTube.

With YouTubers who are parents like AprilJustinTV, itsJudyTime, Bubzvlogs - also bloggers and yet, people over the Internet were telling them how to raise their child. Even though the users were not parents and they were also very young. They were quick to judge other people, even though they have no knowledge in the area. It's also not their kid. 

They're all unnecessary comments. People have the mightiest ego in front of the computer but if they ever were to meet these YouTubers, I bet they wouldn't even say anything. 

I've started making videos and I don't know how I'm going to feel when I get my first hate. Hopefully I won't. But my videos aren't going anywhere so that's okay. 

But seriously, when you write a nasty comment - who is it going to help? You? Oh well then good for you. These YouTubers willingly put their lives out on the Internet and then get told off for living the way they do. 

So many Internet users are so ungrateful. They hate what they are watching and yet they are too nosey to stop. Oh, and they've also got to write a comment just in case the YouTube doesn't know how much they hate the video.

Seriously? You must know every YouTuber reads their comments. 

One good thing about these comments is that I can use them for my dissertation. An insight into the commentary. The good and the bad. 

Teenagers.

ENLIGHTMENT: 

I WROTE THIS WHEN I WAS ANNOYED IN 2014 BUT STILL APPLIES TO ALL TEENAGERS. 

Teenagers. Are. Horrible.

Was I horrible as a teen? Probably. 

Their attitude, the way they walk, the way they talk to people, the apparent "unfairness" about things in life, the constant wasting of food like money appears in thin air - no sense of value in money. 

Is it the parents fault? Or the older sibling's duty to make sure they don't end up like this? 
Or are they programmed to be like this?

You warn them about strangers, staying out late, friends and "older" boys but they brush you off like a piece of dirt under their newly bought AirMaxs. And then the inevitable happens? You burst out crying about a situation that we warned you about? No. Had enough. The only way you will learn is to experience it.

Having a 13-year-old sister is hard. Really hard. 

We tell her not to wear make-up because it clogs up your skin and makes your skin shit in the future. 
But you never listen.
Now you have what I like to call 'make-up spots' - where a cluster of bumps gather on your skin (mainly on forehead and cheeks) due to the amount of crap your face has to deal with. And the only way to hide those spots is with more make-up. A nasty cycle. 

We tell her not to wear skimpy clothes and high heels because she is 13 and therefore it would be inappropriate for her to be looked at.
She says she forgets she's really young and thinks she's 16. But no, you are not.
You are what we class as 'jailbait'.
I feel sorry for the man who will look at you thinking you are 18, when in fact you are way below the legal age - and then he will feel dirty and get backlash for looking at you, even though this information was not presented to him. But I will still stare him down - it's protective instincts. 
You are not 18 yet. Get a grip.

We tell her to help out around the house. Her face drops. It's like we have asked her to do the most cruelest job around. Why? We all had to do jobs in order to get pocket money. She gets annoyed when we shout as if she's done nothing wrong. Don't pull a strop young lady - we're only asking for your help. 

We tell her not to drop her new phone. She drops it without care. It previously belonged to my dad, no scratches. She has it, covered in it. She drops it like she has a new phone on the way. No, you don't. I don't know whether this is our fault, we spoil her and now she doesn't know how precious money is. Teenagers know they have to earn what they want but they want it given at the same time.

We warn her about so-called friends she has, saying that they can be bitches and are not what they seem. She ignores us. Insisting that she knows them very well and that they wouldn't do that. Are you sure? You have two generations telling you what we know from experience and yet you brush us off like we don't know anything? Mate, open your eyes. We can foresee the future.

We warn her not to do something, but then you do it. We take your phone away, your internet and ground you from going out. You feel like we're taking your life away. We're not. It's discipline. You're only 13. Your life doesn't stop at 13. 

We tell you that you are beautiful the way you are and that you should be proud of your heritage. 
But you always keep wishing for things.

Wishing you were American.
Wishing you had an American accent.
Wishing you were taller.
Wishing you were thinner.
Wishing you were older. 
Wishing you had nicer teeth.
Wishing you were more Asian.
Wishing you could speak Korean.
Wishing you were Korean.

How do you think that affects us? Are you not proud of being Chinese? Don't you think Chinese is a beautiful language too? For God's sake, you're only 13! Some of things you wish for will fall into place as you grow, but all I hear is moan, moan, moan. Is life that unfair to you right now? Things teenagers wish for can be shallow. 

I feel frustrated and fed up all the time with her behaviour.

Our grandfather came to England to earn money and to provide a better life for his family. 
He worked very hard. He opened up the takeaway in 1975 and it has been our life since. We have worked here to build up a work ethic and money to get out of this sort of business. Do you want to work at the takeaway forever? The answer is no. Don't take things for granted. 

This doesn't just apply to my sister. This will apply to all teenagers.

Parents and relatives will teach teenagers morals and life lessons, for them to get the automatic, "Whatever". Teenagers will go through similar situations like the ones I have given up until they are 18/19, which is when they either go to university or get a job. The realisation will hit them that their family have been only protecting and guiding them through life, even though it may seem like constant nagging. 

I love my sister dearly. Even though there is an eight year age gap, I treat her like my best friend. 
She asks a question, I tell her the truth. No sugar coating. 
She wishes for things? I reassure her that her time will come or that she should be proud of how she is. But that reassurance is never enough to make them feel content at that age because it doesn't seem believable. 

Being 18 seems like light-years away but it will come like tomorrow. 

I Can't Stay Single.

I watched this video of Anna Akana and Kalel Kitten called 'Why I Can't Stay Single' and this is sooooo me!

I have been in different long-term relationships since I was 15 - a serial monogamist.

And guess what, I do like being in relationships. I like taking care of somebody. I like having that one best friend. I like doing fancy pancy things with them.

But if the time came where I suddenly became single, it's not the end of the world. I can cope. I would need a breather anyway if it were to happen. BUT HOPEFULLY IT WON'T.

Why I can't stay single though? I don't know. The thing is, the times when I wasn't looking for one - oh look, it just appeared in my lap. It's typical. And then somehow, I can keep them going for a while. A gift or a curse - who knows!

But I feel happy loving someone and feeling loved. Don't be in long-term relationships if you don't see a future with them though. Don't stay for the wrong reasons. 

You Like Me But You Don't?

Humans are a funny creation. The body is built with function organs and a mind of our own to control, with an ability to produce opinions and therefore, emotions are created. Sometimes, these emotions clash with whats morally right and wrong, what's good and evil and most of all, common sense.  

To be honest, people are strange. Whatever we do, people will either hate us or really love us.

But why is it when we are so nice to another human people and then we do one little thing wrong and suddenly we're the bad guys? Did you forget about all the nice things we've done for you? We are the nice people. It's not in our nature to be nasty.

Whereas for people who are bitches from the beginning and then they do ONE nice thing [something menial] and suddenly you love the pants out of them and all is forgiven. 

I don't understand. 

Common sense comes into play - you know they're bad people but for some reason, they're being excused? And then when a good, hearted person does something wrong accidentally or you took it the wrong way - you hate them. EH?

I don't want to know how your mind works. You sound dumb. You don't know who's good in your life. 

Leave ma life. Go away. 

50 Shades Of Grey Review [Film]

Before you start, I'm not 'one of those women' who bashed the book and the film, without even bloody reading and watching it. These women just kept judging it so stuff them.

I LOVE THE BOOK. Even though a lot of it is grammatically wrong. I am too, so that's okay. 

I love it because of the storyline, not because of the sex scenes and BDSM. The sex bit is meh. I'm a romantic at heart and how their love story develops is sweet.

So I have watched the film now aaaaaannnnnddd...... yeah, I prefer the book. SHOCK.

The film does show most of the book but I'm disappointed with it because it doesn't show the little bits that would have made sense in the film and to those who have not read the book. It was also quite slow moving. I didn't watch it with my parents because I'm in a different city but apparently my dad was falling asleep in it. 

SPOILERS ALERT!!! If you have not seen the film but want to, gooooo awwwwaaaay. 

Little Bits That Sam Taylor-Johnson (director) missed out (not in order either):

• Obviously one (not little) is the actors. Okay acting, but they looked nothing like how I or others imagined them to be. I fancied the pants off Christian Grey in the book. Copper hair that dangled on his face. Chiseled jaw. Straight nose. Very, very buff. The actor that plays him is Jamie Dornan. Yeah, I find him good looking in some angles. When I watched him in the film, I just didn't fancy him. I wanted to but it never happened. He looked nothing like Mr. Grey. As for the girl, she did look like Anastasia Steele but not who I had in my head of course. Also she's meant to have long, curly hair - not straight, greasy hair. Their chemistry was awkward. Actually, there wasn't any chemistry. It didn't feel convincing, it needs to feel real on and off screen (like Mr and Mrs Smith for example, you could feel the lust and bond).

• In the film, Ana drunk calls Christian and he asks her where she is and she hangs up. He calls again seconds later and tells her to stay where she was because he was coming for her. It shows the actress confused, leaves the club and Jose tries to kiss her and Christian suddenly turns up. The film doesn't show how Christian knows where Ana is at all times. In the book, he hires someone called Welch, who investigates in people's background for Christian, which is how he knows where she works, her number, her mother's address in Georgia. He also tracks her down on her phone (GPS) and installs tracking devices in his cars. She can never escape. 

• After Christian and Ana has had sex (using a condom), in the book she gets on the Contraceptive Pill by Christian's doctor, Dr. Greene. When he said it in the film, it was very quiet and I only knew what he just said because of the book. Also, the scene was done differently. In the book when she's on the Pill, she has to wait weeks until they can have sex otherwise she'll get pregnant and that the idea of waiting is what made it good in the book. I guess in the film, they didn't have much time for waiting since the sex scenes is what makes the film sell. 

• Ana's bloody flip phone in the film! In the book, Christian gives her a Blackberry to use but for some reason, Christian has an iPhone and Ana has a flip phone from the year 2005. Seriously? Why couldn't she get an iPhone too, if he can get her a Macbook? The phone is important because they contact each other through email regularly and also using the computer to contact Christian during work gets her into trouble so phone all the way. Hopefully, she'll get one in the second film. Hope it gets better altogether tbh.

• In the film, when Ana and Christian are breaking up (it came so suddenly as well), it just shows them talking in a heated discussion, he takes her to Red Room to show her how bad it can get, he slaps her with the belt, she cries, tells him she loves him, he doesn't say it back, then she packs her things, brings the gifts he bought for her and gives it back, then she gets to the lift, he follows her, she tells him to stop and then gets into the lift and they say, "Christian", "Anastasia". The end. It was such a poor ending. In the book, before he spanks her hard with what is described as a really thick, brown belt (which it wasn't in the film), he plays the piano like usual, and they start playing with each other like children. She runs around a table, like catch me if you can game, he says he'll catch her and punish her for running away. They do show the bit in the film where she says how much she hates being punished, like how he hates being touched. Then when she does say she loves him and he couldn't believe it, she tells him to leave so she can have a shower. The book says that while they were in Georgia visiting Ana's mother, she bought Christian a toy plane as a gift. Before she leaves Christian's apartment, she places the gift on the pillow and walks to the lift. Christian shows more emotion in the book and tells her not to leave. Then there's a scene where she's in the car, with Taylor driving her home, he hands her a handkerchief and she cries into that. And then I think, after, a shot of Christian looking out of the window and over Seattle. The film's ending seemed too abrupt and didn't convey Christian's emotions enough. Also that hanky appears again in the second book. Now, I mention that toy plane because Christian actually treasures Ana's gift to him and displays it as her iPad background (shown in book two), because I think, unless it's in the book, that no other sub or anyone has even given him a gift. Well, because he has everything. 

• When Ana gets spanked by the brown belt near the end (in the film), she cries but she doesn't cry as much as it shows in the book. But I guess if the actress was really balling it out in the film, don't think she would have been able to get her words out properly.

• Also, I'm sure Ana gets a job in the first book and that's where we meet Jack Hyde, because in the beginning of the second book - Ana doesn't eat and only drinks Diet Coke because she's heartbroken. Plus Jack keeps being creepy at work. Also, Jack plays an important factor in piecing Christian Grey together - which is why WELCH is also important because he does some digging on Jack. 

• We also haven't met Elena Lincoln yet. WHERE IS MRS ROBINSON?!

• Also, where is the lovely housekeeper?! UM, CAN'T REMEMBER HER NAME THOUGH.

• Near the beginning when Christian and Ana go for coffee, she says she doesn't like coffee and prefers tea with no milk and sugar. I feel this is important because he cares about her and her likes and dislikes. He remembers everything about her. But then again, he is a control freak. BUT, that symbolism of tea represents Britishness because her major was English Literature, therefore she's a romantic because of the British novels she studied. Sooooo, Christian knows she's a romantic and he learns to be more romantic for her because she likes flowers and stuff. Even though that not his style, mate. 

• Another thing about Ana's character, Christian likes brunettes but he doesn't like girls who are naturally blonde and dyes their hair brunette. For the actress who plays Ana, she's naturally blonde but dyes her hair for a character that's supposed to be naturally brunette. Confusing. I know it's a film so I'll let that one go.

• Christian's little sister, Mia. In the book, she is very tall, hair goes from black to blonde, skinny, white and girly. In the film, they casted Rita Ora. Definitely wrong casting. Mia is meant to be quite young as well, and Rita looks late 20s, early 30s. Some people said she looked like a 'drag queen' when pictures were shown of her as Mia.

• We don't see any willies. Just saying. 

• No mention of our beloved 'Inner Goddess' - then again it would be strange if Ana said she listens to a voice in her head.

• In the film, Christian keeps saying that he doesn't sleep with his 'subs', even though Ana was never one and they only showed him sleeping beside her once. It's a shame they didn't show him sleeping next to her more often because in the book, he doesn't sleep with the subs because he doesn't want that vanilla relationship. But when he accidentally slept next to Ana at her house, the next morning she asks him whether he had slept well, he replied that he did strangely. It's because when he sleeps alone, he has nightmares from his bad childhood but they don't stress this in the film. It just shows Ana complaining that he doesn't sleep in the same bed as her. Grrr. 

• The beginning when he tracks her down and randomly appears in an aisle Ana is about to walk past. Don't like. In the book, he walks into Claytons store and sees Ana at the checkout till, sat down eating a cream cheese bagel. He watches her intently and her movement. It shows him like a predator, tracking her down and going after the prey. She then wipes the cream cheese from the corner of her mouth and sucks her thumb. It then says Christian's er, willy, tingles like a teenager. Basically, it shows how much he fancies her and how much he wants her.

• Obvs, they took out the Tampon scene. That's okay. We can leave that in the book.

• Not enough sex.